Thursday, April 12, 2012

Thirty...Embarrassing Moment

30 day challenge, Question #10: "Describe your most embarrassing moment"

In my case, it's "moment(s)...."

One of my strengths (this will come up in an upcoming question/post) is that I am the first to and BEST at laughing at myself. I have quirky, bizarre, surreal and embarrassing moments happen to me on a daily basis....no kidding. I have always been forthcoming with my silliness...sharing the most horrifyingly embarrassing moments....on this very blog, for the world wide web to know about!

....all of that being said, I'm going to answer the question "describe your most embarrassing moment" by reposting three of my "moments" below. Each example is recorded on my blog, but for the purpsoses of those who are not "computer savvy" and do not know how to "link," I will simply repost....(this makes this the LONGEST post ever, but I PROMISE you it will be WELL WORTH the read...hang in there)!

I present to you:

TMI Thursday
Masked Panties
There Was A Full Moon On Friday Night

TMI Thursday...

I absolutely had the most embarrassing moment of my professional career today. For those of you who read my blog and believe that I am truly a princess...stop reading. For those of you who believe that I am without fault...stop reading.

What I am about to share is horrifying...in fact, I think I'm going to have to move my family to another country...it's that bad...

This week has been filled with the joys of the Christmas season...I have been delivering Christmas candy to my clients, spreading good cheer to those that I appreciate! Today was no different. I checked into the office, grabbed the few boxes of candy I had left and hopped into my car to deliver the candy to the last of my clients. I made three stops before lunch...handed over the candy, giggled in conversation and wished a Merry Christmas. My next stop was to JCMG to have some blood work done. I had been fasting for twelve hours per my doctors orders and I was starving...I quickly got into my car after having filled six (SIX!!) vials of blood and I rushed to the nearest Taco Bell (BIG MISTAKE). I was SO HUNGRY...I sat in the drive through for what seemed like hours, inching slowly towards my beef burito...mmmmm...my mouth was watering as I came closer and closer to the drive through window. BAM! I was handed my bag and I hadn't even pulled out of the parking lot before I inhaled that beef burrito...it was fabulous!

Do you see where this is going?....

Next stop...last candy drop off...one of my favorite clients! I wasted no time...I wanted to get this Christmas candy out of my car...it smelled SO good! I drove straight to Columbia and as I was pulling into the parking lot of my client's office my stomach gurgled..."hmmmm....that kind of hurts." I sat in my car for a moment and let the cramping subside. I opened my car door, grabbed the candy and walked into the building. The receptionist greeted me, "Good afternoon, can I help you?" I smiled, "Hello! Is Bob* in the office?" (*in effort to protect the victim in my story I have changed the names). The receptionist asked me to have a seat in the lobby and she would ring *Bob and let him know he had a visitor. As I turned to take a seat in the lobby my stomach cramped up again...this time I made a sour face..."ouch!" I felt a bit nauseous...and admittedly a tad faint. I panicked, "did I take my seizure medication this morning?" I thought back to my hectic morning...yes, yes...I remembered taking my medication. "What is wrong with me?" I felt uncomfortable...my hands began to clam up. I sat down in a chair and I closed my eyes for a brief moment. Taking a deep breath in I softly whispered, "get it together Bets, shake it off." I opened my eyes to the sound of *Bob's voice. "Hey there Betsy!" *Bob stuck out his hand and I grabbed it, apologizing for my sweaty palms. *Bob invited me back to his office..."oh, I am just here to drop off this Christmas candy, I can't stay..." *Bob replied, "come back for a second, I want to run an idea by you." What a nightmare...I really needed to use the bathroom, I felt like I might vomit...but I took another deep breath and followed *Bob back to his office. As I was walking behind *Bob it suddenly occurred to me that the beef burrito I had scarfed down half and hour earlier was giving me extreme gas...OMG...please, Lord Jesus, PLEASE give me some time to meet with *Bob and then I will use the bathroom....PLEASE don't do this to me. Jesus had other plans...

As we walked into *Bob's office I decided that I needed to use the restroom right THEN...no more waiting..."I need to use the restroom, I'll be right back..." *Bob sat in his chair, "this will only take a second, sit down." OMG...am I in a nightmare? What do I say? Do I tell *Bob that I'm about to crap my pants and I REALLY need to use the restroom??? Pride got the best of me...I decided I could hold on a few more minutes...

Are you palms sweating now...because you know what's coming next, right?

I turned to take a seat...and just as I was lowering my behind into the chair....

Are you going to make me say it?

I let out the biggest....LOUDEST...toot (we don't use the "F" word in my house).

I wanted to vomit I was so embarrassed...but I figured I had already shocked the hell out of my client with the noise that had just escaped my rear end...my face was scarlet red...I could feel the heat of my embarrassment. There was complete silence (yeah, where in the heck was silence just moments before?)!! I didn't know what to say...I couldn't even apologize. I just sat down and starred at the floor.

After what seemed like a lifetime, I looked up at *Bob to see his head resting on his desk and his body convulsing with laughter...the kind of laughter where there is no noise because you can't even breathe....

"I hate you." It's all I could think of at the moment. "I am literally praying to God that the Earth will open up and swallow me and you are sitting across from me laughing at my expense....I hate you."

*Bob raised his head and looked at me through teary eyes..."I'm sorry. I know you are humiliated...but that is damn funny."

Damn funny indeed...I set the Christmas candy on *Bob's desk and left him in his office...shutting the door to trap him in the foulness that had just leaked from my body....is it funny now *Bob?

Masked Panties...

A girlfriend of mine bought me a gift certificate to a local tanning salon for three spray tan sessions! What a FABULOUS idea, right? She knows that I feel better about myself when I am tan, and she also knows that having skin cancer seven times, currently battling melanoma, I am under strict orders to stay away from tanning beds...
Last week I called the tanning salon to set up my first spray tan session. I was given instructions to shower before hand, shave all the unwanted hair, and exfoliate my body. Do not apply any lotions or sprays, wear old clothing and bring something to pull my hair back off of my face.
I have never been to this particular tanning salon, so all of this was very new to me. I was already feeling a bit uncomfortable about having to stand in the nude while the tanning technician spray "paints" my body, so I felt really uneasy when I walked into the booth and the lady asked me to undress saying, "if you would like to wear panties you may do so." Duh, of course I would like to wear panties...I just didn't realize she meant my own...

let me explain.

The tanning technician wears a surgical mask while she spray "paints"...that mask was laying on a chair inside the booth.
Do you see where this is going?
So.....
I began to undress, taking off ALL my clothing and neatly folding it over the chair and I picked up the mask... (okay, I guess I'm going to have to spell this out to you...I thought the mask was the "panties" the technician was referring to when she said "if you would like to wear panties you may do so")....
and I put the mask on.
Down there.

And then the tanning technician walked in....

....it was right about that time that I realized the mask wasn't for me (you should have seen the look on her face)!

To make a long story short, I excused myself and quickly redressed. I was too humiliated to stay.

No spray tan for me...

And no offense to my dear friend that gave me the gift certificate, but I totally re-gifted it to another friend. I won't be going to that tanning salon. Ever. Again.

And as a side note, it took me a good ten minutes to figure out how in the world to put on that mask...think about it...the "leg holes" are on the sides...it felt really uncomfortable and I kept thinking, "stupid skinny girls!"
 

There Was A Full Moon On Friday Night...

I think I'm past the pain....

past the humiliation...

past the point of no return, as they say....

For those of you who follow my blog, do any of you ever wonder how I continue on in my life? Do any of you doubt the perpetual craziness that boils in my head? It is the moments like I am about to reveal to you that agitate that craziness....

Sit back, my friends, enjoy what could easy be another most embarrassing moment in the life of Betsy...


**Warning...Inappropriate Self Disclosure....

As a quick side note, I should mention that I very rarely wear underwear (sorry mom...I know this is a nightmare for you)!

So, Friday night was the Chamber Gala and I spent hours getting all gussied up...hair was curled tightly in an "up do", makeup was applied to perfection, pearl necklace was borrowed from my aunt, black dress, neatly pressed, sparkly black high heels were bought for the occasion....

I pulled my grandmother's Pendleton coat from the coat closet...floor length, gray wool, like something from the movies that Audrey Hepburn would wear....I adore it! I draped the coat over my shoulders and stepped into my chariot...(okay, so it was my Trail Blazer...a girl can dream, can't she?)....

I arrived a few moments after six...the Capital Plaza, brightly lit, ladies being dropped off at the front door while their husbands parked the car...(me...yes, well...hottie husband is away with the National Guard for a few weeks, so I parked my car all by myself and walked the four flights of steps in the zero degree weather, in four inch heels I might add)...

I entered the atrium...overflowing with the "who's who" of Jefferson City, Missouri. Men stood in black tuxedos next to their wives who wore sequins and taffeta, sipping on their white wines and pink blushes...

I walked towards the coat check in, taking my place in the long line, watching the line grow behind me. I stood, Pendleton coat still on, rubbing elbows with the elite as I waited my turn to check in my own coat...

Take a deep breath folks....this is where it gets ugly...

As I advanced upon the check in counter I began to slowly gather my coat off my shoulders, releasing my right arm out of the coat, allowing the fabric to fall to the other side as I pulled the coat completely off....

wait for it....

Gentleman (who by the way is a local business owner and among what you might call the "elite" in JC): "Whoops..."

Lovely Lady (also a local business owner, married to the brother of said gentleman above): "Oh Betsy! Your dress!!!"

That's when I felt it...

The breeze.

Yes...static electricity is a wicked, wicked thing.

My grandmother's coat was FULL of static electricity, which in turn transferred to my dress...

and my dress was up around my waist....baring my assets...all of it.

*Remember inappropriate self disclosure above.....

Yep.

There was a full moon on Friday night...right there in the atrium of the Chamber Gala!

3 comments:

  1. Certainly there is no way a bird under the bed could compare to these three.

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  2. I laughed so hard I pulled a rib. Bet you didn't know that was possible. I'll have to tell you my most embarrassing moment sometime.

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  3. Lmao! Please say you are a blond. You MUST have at least a strand or two.

    ReplyDelete