Sunday, July 26, 2009

Subway Fun....

Okay, ONE more post before I jet off for NYC tomorrow...

Hottie husband and I have been organizing, packing, screaming and yelling at one another, writing out lists to prepare for our trip to NYC. Now, I don't want to seem snotty or sound like a "know-it-all".....BUT....this IS my third trip to NYC this, I'm what you might call a New York City expert. Hottie husband doesn't know I know this...but I KNOW this makes him CRAZY!! Wanna know why? Because FINALLY I will know more than he does!!

This past week hottie husband and I have been talking a lot about our trip to NYC, planning out our evenings after I've put in a hard days work (that's for you Greg)! Today's topic of conversation was transportation. Hottie husband mentioned taking a cab to our destinations, but OH NO....I was quick to correct him, "the subway is the best and most economical form of transportation in NYC...that and walking" (said in my best "know-it-all" tone).

"The subway?" he questioned...

Me: "Yes, the subway, what's wrong with the subway?"

Mark: "I'm just surprised that you would even think about getting on a subway, miss - 'I won't even sit on a park bench because, ewww, it's public and thousands of people's germs are all over it!'"

Puh-leese, me? Hello? Did you not remember that this is my third time back to NYC? I mean honestly, the Mayor has already given me a key to the city. These are my people. This is my home away from home. Of course I'll take the subway!

Besides...I have ways of making the subway rides fun and it helps me to not focus on my fear of the train derailing and becoming wedged underground, making it impossible for anyone to escape...and then all of the scary homeless people with missing teeth, reeking of vodka and beer, start pulling at my Vera Wang clothing and my Jimmy Choo shoes, prying my Coach bag that I just bought from the local Chinese market out of my sweaty hands while I am screaming at the top of my lungs, "John Travolta, Denzel Washington, where are you?? Save me, please!"

But I digress...

Hottie husband wanted to know what it is that I do that makes riding the subway fun.

Well, he asked...

Betsy's Guaranteed Ways To Make Riding The Subway In NYC Fun:

1. If I Wasn't Married To Hottie Husband, Who Would I Marry?

Look at the people sitting across from you. Going left to right, number them. Now, who would you marry, death is not an option? Luckily, at rush hour, the contestants will change at almost every stop, enhancing the fun! It's amazing how often I will opt for a woman.

2. Spot The Al Qaeda Operative.

Needless to say, this game is fraught with anxiety, and requires participants to become temporarily politically incorrect. The good news is that I have coded this game to perfection and now when I spot someone suspicious, I ask whoever is with me, "do you have your CELL phone with you?" I pause dramatically at the "CELL" for about three minutes and make meaningful eye contact with my partner, to make sure that the MEANING is clear.

3. Who Has Marionette Lines?

Marionette lines are the lines from your nose to your mouth. With age they deepen and scream for Botox. I like to inspect my fellow passengers for such lines and I am always depressed because I have the most pronounced ones. I may need to visit some nursing homes to feel better about myself. Or perhaps the morgue.

4. Glamour And Romance Can Be Yours.

Whenever someone eats on the subway, this phrase comes to mind. One time when I was on the subway someone wearing a pair of bedazzled jeans was eating a very large bag of potato chips and licking her fingers. (Finger licking is one degree removed from cannibalism in my book, except less appetizing.) I took one look at her and thought "yes, glamour and romance can be yours!"

5. How Long Will It Take For Me To Become Nauseated From Motion Sickness.

This is usually limited to the times I am forced to sit across from some sort of freak show (which in NYC is most of the time) and I use my cell phone as a distraction to keep from staring at said freak show... Reading through my emails makes me extremely "carsick" and I often have to close my eyes and breathe deep to focus on NOT vomiting. Of course this only results in a more intense feeling of hurling chunks due to the deep breathing of urine that is the aroma inside the subway cars, which typically ends with me vomiting a little inside my mouth.

Hottie husband CAN'T wait to ride the subway with me!!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Leave A Message At The Tone....

Where is my assistant?

Oh yeah-I don't have an assistant.

Well, if I did I would totally be telling her to "Forward all my calls! I'll be in New York City next week" And I'd be yelling like that and pointing my finger in the air.

Also, I'd say "Take a memo!" and "Get me Marketing on the phone." And they'd be all: "Marketing Department..." and I'd be all: "Never mind. Keep up the good work." And then I'd make my assistant run out and get me a sausage egg sandwich from Dunkin Donuts.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. I really am leaving on Monday for New York City. It's business, and the last two times I've been to New York my boss and his wife tagged along. This time, hottie husband will be my escort.

So, I'm off to New York. Again. Third time this year. It will be a week of shopping for shoes, scouting out celebrities, sleeping in business meetings and prospecting!

Stay tuned for a SUPER post when I return!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I'm Such A Boob....

Note to self: When buying a bra at Target always check the tag first.

Yep...I'm 35 years old and I've been wearing a nursing bra for the past two days. And trust me, I'm not nursing.

*The ironic thing is the girls at work and I have been talking about nursing, as one of the girls in the office is expecting her first baby in September.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Stork Does NOT Bring The Babies....

One of the girls in the front office at work is expecting her first baby in September. The front office is ALL female, meaning there are MANY "girl" conversations that take place. The other day our "girl" conversation topic was labor & delivery....I'm a BIG believer in telling it like it is...horror and all! I mean seriously...if my girlfriends who had given birth prior to me had been honest with me in the first place, I would be living in NY City right now, sipping red wine and living the high life, just me and my hottie husband....

NONE of my girlfriends (or my own mother for that matter) told me the truth about labor & delivery. And that "myth" that the memory of the pain of labor & delivery goes away is total crap. I remember EVERY SINGLE contraction of ALL THREE deliveries. I remember every single push, every single stitch and I especially remember ALL THREE "first" bowl movements after giving birth (TMI, I know). So, being the BFF that I am, I decided that I would in fact be upfront with my girlfriend who is now seven months into pregnancy and it's WAY too late to turn around.

And so I told my work BFF about how I literally felt like I had been hit and then run over by an 18 wheeler after all three deliveries and was not able to take a shower until the last day of my hospital stay and even then my husband had to get in the shower with me and wash me. I shared with her how I kept my hospital gown on until the last day of my hospital stay because just trying to imagine taking it off was beyond what my body was capable of doing...

I shared with her about the mesh underwear to go along with the most enormous pads you’ve ever seen…as in you didn’t think anything that thick and long and wide was even manufactured and it must take 100 million years to break down in a land fill...

I also educated her on the “Peri bottle”. OMG. You will want to MARRY THIS THING!!! It is the best relief ever! Because did you know they make you PEE before you can go to your postpartum room??? And you will want to die and tell them “ARE YOU FLIPPIN' CRAZY?!?!?! I NEVER WANT ANYTHING TO COME OUT DOWN THERE AGAIN!!!” But the nurse will just roll her eyes at you and say “Up we go, missy. To the bathroom.” And as you sit there about to pee for the first time ever, you will pray “Please God let everything still be intact down there. Please God let everything still be working down there…..please God….”

But that's just my experience...there are women out there with labor & delivery stories of ordering grilled cheese sandwiches, fries, and Dr. Pepper 20 minutes after pushing their babies out. They take a shower when they get to their postpartum rooms, donning their plush, flowered robes, and freshly applied makeup faces, ready to rock and roll....

Well, except for their massacred nether regions, it isn't ready to rock or just wants ice packed in the mesh underwear!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I Mean Really....

Why MUST we wake up early for work?

As if "working" wasn't insult enough --
we have to pull ourselves from our fluffy blankets and limited edition
Star Wars sheets(*)
for it.

(*) yeah. that one was for the nerds.