Hottie husband and I have been organizing, packing,
This past week hottie husband and I have been talking a lot about our trip to NYC, planning out our evenings after I've put in a hard days work (that's for you Greg)! Today's topic of conversation was transportation. Hottie husband mentioned taking a cab to our destinations, but OH NO....I was quick to correct him, "the subway is the best and most economical form of transportation in NYC...that and walking" (said in my best "know-it-all" tone).
"The subway?" he questioned...
Me: "Yes, the subway, what's wrong with the subway?"
Mark: "I'm just surprised that you would even think about getting on a subway, miss - 'I won't even sit on a park bench because, ewww, it's public and thousands of people's germs are all over it!'"
Puh-leese, me? Hello? Did you not remember that this is my third time back to NYC? I mean honestly, the Mayor has already given me a key to the city. These are my people. This is my home away from home. Of course I'll take the subway!
Besides...I have ways of making the subway rides fun and it helps me to not focus on my fear of the train derailing and becoming wedged underground, making it impossible for anyone to escape...and then all of the scary homeless people with missing teeth, reeking of vodka and beer, start pulling at my Vera Wang clothing and my Jimmy Choo shoes, prying my Coach bag that I just bought from the local Chinese market out of my sweaty hands while I am screaming at the top of my lungs, "John Travolta, Denzel Washington, where are you?? Save me, please!"
But I digress...
Hottie husband wanted to know what it is that I do that makes riding the subway fun.
Well, he asked...
Betsy's Guaranteed Ways To Make Riding The Subway In NYC Fun:
1. If I Wasn't Married To Hottie Husband, Who Would I Marry?
Look at the people sitting across from you. Going left to right, number them. Now, who would you marry, death is not an option? Luckily, at rush hour, the contestants will change at almost every stop, enhancing the fun! It's amazing how often I will opt for a woman.
2. Spot The Al Qaeda Operative.
Needless to say, this game is fraught with anxiety, and requires participants to become temporarily politically incorrect. The good news is that I have coded this game to perfection and now when I spot someone suspicious, I ask whoever is with me, "do you have your CELL phone with you?" I pause dramatically at the "CELL" for about three minutes and make meaningful eye contact with my partner, to make sure that the MEANING is clear.
3. Who Has Marionette Lines?
Marionette lines are the lines from your nose to your mouth. With age they deepen and scream for Botox. I like to inspect my fellow passengers for such lines and I am always depressed because I have the most pronounced ones. I may need to visit some nursing homes to feel better about myself. Or perhaps the morgue.
4. Glamour And Romance Can Be Yours.
Whenever someone eats on the subway, this phrase comes to mind. One time when I was on the subway someone wearing a pair of bedazzled jeans was eating a very large bag of potato chips and licking her fingers. (Finger licking is one degree removed from cannibalism in my book, except less appetizing.) I took one look at her and thought "yes, glamour and romance can be yours!"
5. How Long Will It Take For Me To Become Nauseated From Motion Sickness.
This is usually limited to the times I am forced to sit across from some sort of freak show (which in NYC is most of the time) and I use my cell phone as a distraction to keep from staring at said freak show... Reading through my emails makes me extremely "carsick" and I often have to close my eyes and breathe deep to focus on NOT vomiting. Of course this only results in a more intense feeling of hurling chunks due to the deep breathing of urine that is the aroma inside the subway cars, which typically ends with me vomiting a little inside my mouth.
Hottie husband CAN'T wait to ride the subway with me!!