August 31, 2010
It's going on five weeks...such a short amount of time and yet it feels like forever. The tears still flow, mostly in the night...I toss and turn. Sometimes I try pinching myself...hopeful that I will return to reality from a horrible nightmare.
I've been spending so much time with Sophia and Henry. I cling to the kids, praying that they know and understand how much I love them...how much I love you. I whisper to them "your daddy loves you, so very much"...and I know someday they will know and feel your love.
Each night, after I've said my prayers, I whisper to the Heavens, certain that you can hear me...
...I tell you that I will love your children as you loved them. I will protect Sophia and Henry like I tried to protect you. I will share stories about their daddy, keeping your memory alive within them.
And I will Cal, I promise you that.
Last week I watched Sophia and Henry run around on my patio, dancing and singing and laughing. Henry runs to the railing and looks out in the yard, pointing, he shouts "cow!"...and we laugh, because everything is a "cow!"
And as I watch Sophia, my eyes swell with tears...she's so beautiful and she's growing so quickly....
...she talks so much now Cal! She can sing about four or five different songs and she has the melody down perfectly! I watch her skip in circles...
"wing awound the wosie...
...and a tear rolls down my check...it's not fair...your favorite words when you were little...."it's not fair!"
It isn't fair, Cal. I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt as I sit and watch your children grow into the beautiful beings that they are...
...and you are not here.
Each night I pray to God to bring me peace. I ask Him to give me something I can hold onto, something to know that you are okay...
...something to know that you see, that you know, that you feel our love for you.
Cal, He gave me the peace I've been asking for.
Saturday night I closed my eyes and I dreamed...
...my phone was ringing and I called out for someone to answer. The phone kept ringing...ringing more than it normally would...it rang way past it's limit of four rings, when the voicemail kicks in....
....so I ran towards the phone and I picked it up...
....and it was you.
"Betsy....Sophie says your name perfectly now! She doesn't say 'bb' anymore...she says 'Bethy'. She's got a little lisp, but she says it so well!"
"I know. I love it."
"She asks for you all the time."
"I know. It melts my heart....
"I love you."
"I know. I love you too."
.....and I open my eyes.
And I whisper, "thank you God."
I love you Cal! I watch Sophia and Henry and I see so much of you and me...
....the older, (sassy), protective sister that loves her baby brother (no matter how spoiled he is) so very much! ;)
...and I know, you know.
Forever my love,
Me (age 6) & Cal (age 1)
...see the sassiness in my smile? ;)