This has been one hell of a week. Pardon my language...but call a spade a spade, right? Yesterday marked the end of one week since hottie husband left for training with the National Guard. Tomorrow will mark one week since I last heard from hottie husband. This challenge is proving to be one of my most difficult to date...
Last weekend I spent the majority of the weekend in my bed, sick and lethargic with high fevers. My motherly duties were ignored and I shoved dvd's in the player as a source of help in keeping the boys content and quiet. Laundry began to take the form of mountains and clean dishes were a rarity. The obsessive compulsive in me was reeling at the site of my flawed home.
Monday through Wednesday I was at home with my two youngest boys, who apparently picked up my virus. Still healing from a vicious flu bug, I was solo in my efforts to catch up on the laundry as it continued to be added to with puked on comforters, sheets and bath mats. Groceries were running low and I needed to leave the house to pick up a few staples, but didn't have the nerve to ask anyone to stay with my sick children. Finally, on Wednesday evening I was able to make a quick trip to the store while my oldest son stayed with his brothers.
Tuesday evening I spent time with my therapist and a breakthrough was achieved...but it did not come easily. My breakthrough was tangled in with resurrecting years of pain and conflict, negligence, selfishness, divorce, embarrassment, resentment and unforgiving...debilitating, to say the least.
Confidence has plummeted. Doubt has crept in. Anger has consumed me. Temptation is overwhelming. My vision seems blurred and some of the decisions I have made this week reflect all of these circumstances.
Conviction has overwhelmed me. There is a heaviness on my heart. I have realized that in many situations this past week I have lived outside the will of God. I have been in error, I have felt a spiritual slide...and I am here, now, asking for my Savior.
I need forgiveness. I need His love and His understanding. My conviction is leading me to repentance and salvation...two gifts that I am unashamedly asking for...
Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you , yes I will help you with My righteous hand..."
I say these words out loud. I write these words in my prayer journal. God will strengthen me, He will help me with his righteous hand. He is with me, do not be dismayed...
Again, I let go of my pride, I set aside any ego, and I shout..."I need you, Savior."
And I allow the tears to saturate my pillow as I can physically feel His arms around me, filling me with His love and His peace, reminding me to "Be still and know that He is God."