Me: "Are you there Jesus? It's me, Betsy"
Jesus: "I get it, a spoof off the book 'Are You There God, It's Me Margret', you are very funny my child"
Me: "I am funny, aren't I? Now I'm working on appropriateness...maybe you can help me"
Jesus: "Yes, I can help you with that. Now, tell me, what did you want to talk about tonight?"
Me: "Well, I'm leaving tomorrow for my business trip in New York City. I'm sure you already know that I'm taking this trip all by myself...and I'm trying to put my big girl panties on, but I typically don't wear underwear so I'm finding this difficult..."
Jesus: "Okay, that....that was inappropriate."
Me: "Oh, yeah, right. Sorry."
Jesus: "I forgive you."
Me: "I love that about you. Okay...so, NYC...it's the whole flying thing...you know I don't like to fly. So, I was wondering if you could use those massive hands of yours and just sort of 'carry' the plane from St. Louis to NYC....and by the way, you should just tell me that yes, you will carry the plane for me even if that is a stupid request, because I'm telling you right now that if you say 'that's not how it works' then I will go all freaky!"
Jesus: "Yes, I will carry the plane for you"
Me: "Okay, now are you just saying that because I told you to say yes even if you can't? Or are you saying yes because you really mean it?"
Jesus: "Hmmmm, I see we have other issues than just the inappropriateness to work on"
Jesus: "Is there anything more you need from me my child?"
Me: "Really? Are you taking requests...because seriously, I have a whole list!"
Jesus: "Let's keep this to a minimum for right now..."
Me: "Okay...well, you know I'm also going to see Oprah next week in Chicago!! Excuse me while I scream into my pillow...." (massive, high pitched scream muffled into my feather pillow...dog begins to bark) "Okay...sorry...it's just I CAN NOT believe I'm going to see Oprah!! I've been stalking her for seven years!"
Jesus: "Yes, I know"
Me: "Right, of course you do....I sense a bit of an undertone when you speak of her..."
Jesus: "Yes, well, where Oprah does do a lot of good in the world, unfortunately she promotes New Age thinking, meaning she teaches against the Biblical truth, my truth"
Me: "Listen Jesus, I don't agree with Oprah's life choices and what she believes in...all I care about is what kind of car I can win!"
Jesus: "Yes, and that is why I'm not against you going to the Oprah Show...however, that is something else we need to work on....selfishness."
Me: "Whatever. Can we start after I get back?"
Jesus: (sighs) "Whatever"