Tumor Humor...

As a friend once said to me, "You certainly receive more than your fair share of struggles!"  That's an understatement...truly.

Last week at a routine eye appointment (I say "routine" however I actually scheduled the appointment before my yearly was due because I've been suffering from what I would classify as severe headaches and I felt that my vision had changed a bit), Dr. Sally asked me to follow up with my neurologist (remember, I have epilepsy...so I have an ongoing relationship with a neurologist) because my left optical nerve was "bulging" (as she put it).  Here's the conversation...(share with me if you find the humor in this as I did):

Dr. Sally:  "Hmmmm, I would like for you to see your neurologist.  Your left optical nerve is bulging."

Me:  "And?....Am I supposed to know what that means?"  (Okay, I wasn't quite that sarcastic)..."so, what does that mean?"

Dr. Sally:  "Well, I don't want to scare you or worry you....but it typically means there is a tumor"

Me:  "Oh....just a tumor?  No....that doesn't scare me or worry me...should it?!!"  (Again, I wasn't that sarcastic...but in all seriousness I wanted to pick up any sharp object I could find and hold it to a main vein of hers and ask her if that "scared" or "worried" her).  "Okay...I will see my neurologist as soon as I can get an appointment."

And so...on Thursday I had an MRI. 

Now...I don't know if you have ever had to have an MRI, but if you have ever watched a piece of luggage go through the airport security tunnel, that's pretty much what it is like (I'd be a piece of Gucci or Louis Vuitton luggage). 

At the MRI, after I had undressed, as to free me from any metal on my clothing that may interfere with the MRI machine, I was placed on the slab table and the technician kindly instructed me to "be very still throughout the MRI, this will take 30 minutes, the machine is very loud, please wear your headphones to help muffle some of the sound.  It is imperative that you lay still...do not move."  I gave the thumbs up and slowly I was inserted into the long, narrow tunnel.

Here comes the part that I can honestly say, "I can't make this s**t up"...

Twenty-eight minutes (28 minutes)....TWENTY-EIGHT minutes into the MRI...I heard what sounded like an out of this world space craft shut down....woosh....darkness.....silence. 

Next thing I know I am being pulled out and I'm starring into the (gorgeous) face of the male technician...he places his hand gently on my arm....

"Mrs. Dudenhoeffer, the MRI just shut down.  This has never happened.  We will need to reboot the machine and begin again.  I'm sorry."

All I heard was, "this has never happened" and I was quite certain that his "I'm sorry" was not going to help the rage that was boiling up inside me.  I had an "Are you there God?  It's me, Betsy" moment..."Ummm, hello, God?  Are you there?  Because I'm just curious what is going on....I mean, seriously....am I on some sort of 'Punked' episode and you are going to jump out in your white robe and berkenstocks, pointing and laughing as you say 'You've just been Punked!....cause I'll laugh, I promise."

No such luck...I was forced to "lay still" for ANOTHER 30 minutes...and of course during that time is when EVERY SINGLE part of my body itched!


But...that's not where our story ends, dear blog followers....

Friday morning the nurse from my doctor's office called my cell phone:

Nurse:  "Hello Ellyn, (remember, Ellyn is my real name) this is *nurse from Dr. Neurologist's office...Dr. Neurologist would like to speak to you in person regarding the results of your MRI, are you available for a consultation on Monday morning?" 

Me:  (looking at the clock as it reads 10 am on FRIDAY):  "Yes, I can come in on Monday morning...but in the  meantime, can you tell me if there was anything abnormal on the MRI?"

Nurse:  "Yes, everything about your head is abnormal" 

Nurse:  "I'm sorry, Dr. Neurologist will speak to you on Monday"

Me:  "Great.  In the meantime I will thoroughly enjoy my weekend.  Yes, I won't give one thought to the lingering tumor or not tumor, but since Dr. Neurologist wants to speak in person I'm guessing there is a tumor, so.....have a great weekend Nurse Ratchet!"  (okay, I didn't really say that).

Do you want to know the results?  I mean, it IS Monday...5:35 pm to be exact....

Drum roll please........

I do, in fact, have a tumor.  The tumor is on my left optical nerve.  Dr. Neurologist said something like "optic nerve meningioma," it's basically a small (it's the only time I won't pout that it's not all BANG and BIG) tumor on my left optic nerve and they are certain that it is benign.  I had several measurements and photos taken today to track the growth (or lack thereof, which would be a FANTASTIC thing).  I will see my neurologist every three months where he will make sure the tumor is NOT growing.  With this sort of tumor the treatment is just that...watching the tumor....no surgery...it's too risky.  However...if the tumor decides to go all "Hulk" on me, then the tumor will be removed and I would do radiation to prevent regrowth....

It could be worse...right?

And by the way...I TOTALLY intend to use this tumor....

Hottie Husband:  "I had a rough day at work today, I spilled fresh coffee all down my front and now I think I have second degree burns on my chest."

Me:  "Yeah, well, I have a tumor."