Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Don't Get Your Panties In A Wad...

My husband will return home in two weeks! Allow me to shout it out one more time...MY HUSBAND WILL RETURN HOME IN TWO WEEKS! In almost 10 years of marriage this is the longest we have been apart. I'm anxious for him to return home (in other words: I hate ironing, doing laundry, cooking and taking the trash out)!

I went shopping tonight for a little "welcome home, I've missed you, now please start doing the laundry again" present! The selfish side of me thought "why not get something for me...that he can also enjoy?" So I headed to the mall to Victoria's Secret (which I have discovered and will tell you shortly) in the hopes that my inner sex kitten (who is thin, by the way) would emerge and I would find something sassy to wear on the evening he returns. I know I have an, um, overdeveloped posterior, but who says you have to be a size zero to be sexy? Feeling confident that I would find something to suit the situation (no pun intended) I was approached by a sales lady (who by the way was a size 2) "is there anything in particular you are looking for?" (maybe it's just me, but I swear her tone said, "because we don't sell tents and awnings"). "No thank you, I'm just looking."

After rifling around every rack and bin, I discovered her Secret - Victoria hates "fluffy" broads. Come on! I’m not obese, just voluptuous! I've birthed three strapping young men for crying out loud! So...I settled for several pairs of cute little underwear with words printed on the butt (cute, sexy and functional). I didn't bother to try them on (BIG MISTAKE), underwear is underwear...right? WRONG! When I returned home I went into my bedroom to try the underwear on before throwing them into the washing machine...the word "Angel" written across my ass now looked like A - N - G - E - L stretched beyond reading...it was unflattering to say the least. No deal...the underwear are going back in the morning and that skinny bitch that sold them to me can eat them for all I care!

And by the way...I'm beginning to understand the growing proliferation of teen pregnancy...there were at least a dozen teen girls in the store buying up this "wordy" underwear and they were all grabbing the pair that read "Wish Granted".....are you kidding me??? Here's another one of Victoria's Secrets...she's a hooker!

*As a side note, when my mother read this entry she called me frantic about my use of the words a** and b**ch. I assure you I meant them in the nicest way...


  1. I'm like you, I just don't understand why those size 5 don't fit anymore. THEY use to!

  2. Um, I'm pretty sure mom taught us those words. She may be an English teacher, but she sure does know her French ;)