TMI Thursday...

I absolutely had the most embarrassing moment of my professional career today.  For those of you who read my blog and believe that I am truly a princess...stop reading.  For those of you who believe that I am without fault...stop reading. 

What I am about to share is horrifying...in fact, I think I'm going to have to move my family to another country...it's that bad...

This week has been filled with the joys of the Christmas season...I have been delivering Christmas candy to my clients, spreading good cheer to those that I appreciate!  Today was no different.  I checked into the office, grabbed the few boxes of candy I had left and hopped into my car to deliver the candy to the last of my clients.  I made three stops before lunch...handed over the candy, giggled in conversation and wished a Merry Christmas.  My next stop was to JCMG to have some blood work done.  I had been fasting for twelve hours per my doctors orders and I was starving...I quickly got into my car after having filled six (SIX!!) vials of blood and I rushed to the nearest Taco Bell (BIG MISTAKE).  I was SO HUNGRY...I sat in the drive through for what seemed like hours, inching slowly towards my beef burito...mmmmm...my mouth was watering as I came closer and closer to the drive through window.  BAM!  I was handed my bag and I hadn't even pulled out of the parking lot before I inhaled that beef burrito...it was fabulous! 

Do you see where this is going?....

Next stop...last candy drop off...one of my favorite clients!  I wasted no time...I wanted to get this Christmas candy out of my car...it smelled SO good!  I drove straight to Columbia and as I was pulling into the parking lot of my client's office my stomach gurgled..."hmmmm....that kind of hurts."  I sat in my car for a moment and let the cramping subside.  I opened my car door, grabbed the candy and walked into the building.  The receptionist greeted me, "Good afternoon, can I help you?"  I smiled, "Hello!  Is Bob* in the office?" (*in effort to protect the victim in my story I have changed the names).  The receptionist asked me to have a seat in the lobby and she would ring *Bob and let him know he had a visitor.  As I turned to take a seat in the lobby my stomach cramped up again...this time I made a sour face..."ouch!"  I felt a bit nauseous...and admittedly a tad faint.  I panicked, "did I take my seizure medication this morning?"  I thought back to my hectic morning...yes, yes...I remembered taking my medication.  "What is wrong with me?"  I felt uncomfortable...my hands began to clam up.  I sat down in a chair and I closed my eyes for a brief moment.  Taking a deep breath in I softly whispered, "get it together Bets, shake it off."  I opened my eyes to the sound of *Bob's voice.  "Hey there Betsy!" *Bob stuck out his hand and I grabbed it, apologizing for my sweaty palms.  *Bob invited me back to his office..."oh, I am just here to drop off this Christmas candy, I can't stay..."  *Bob replied, "come back for a second, I want to run an idea by you."  What a nightmare...I really needed to use the bathroom, I felt like I might vomit...but I took another deep breath and followed *Bob back to his office.  As I was walking behind *Bob it suddenly occurred to me that the beef burrito I had scarfed down half and hour earlier was giving me extreme gas...OMG...please, Lord Jesus, PLEASE give me some time to meet with *Bob and then I will use the bathroom....PLEASE don't do this to me.  Jesus had other plans...

As we walked into *Bob's office I decided that I needed to use the restroom right THEN...no more waiting..."I need to use the restroom, I'll be right back..."  *Bob sat in his chair, "this will only take a second, sit down."  OMG...am I in a nightmare?  What do I say?  Do I tell *Bob that I'm about to crap my pants and I REALLY need to use the restroom???  Pride got the best of me...I decided I could hold on a few more minutes...

Are you palms sweating now...because you know what's coming next, right?

I turned to take a seat...and just as I was lowering my behind into the chair....

Are you going to make me say it?

I let out the biggest....LOUDEST...toot (we don't use the "F" word in my house). 

I wanted to vomit I was so embarrassed...but I figured I had already shocked the hell out of my client with the noise that had just escaped my rear end...my face was scarlet red...I could feel the heat of my embarrassment.  There was complete silence (yeah, where in the heck was silence just moments before?)!!  I didn't know what to say...I couldn't even apologize.  I just sat down and starred at the floor.

After what seemed like a lifetime, I looked up at *Bob to see his head resting on his desk and his body convulsing with laughter...the kind of laughter where there is no noise because you can't even breathe....

"I hate you."  It's all I could think of at the moment.  "I am literally praying to God that the Earth will open up and swallow me and you are sitting across from me laughing at my expense....I hate you."

*Bob raised his head and looked at me through teary eyes..."I'm sorry.  I know you are humiliated...but that is damn funny."

Damn funny indeed...I set the Christmas candy on *Bob's desk and left him in his office...shutting the door to trap him in the foulness that had just leaked from my body....is it funny now *Bob?