Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The Funny Thing About Cancer...

Betsy Dudenhoeffer.  Age: 36.  Diagnosis: Melanoma.

(Dun, Dun, Dun....)

Family Doctor:  "Okay, there are three areas of concern on your back.  All three have tested positive for melanoma.  Today we will do a biopsy of the lymph nodes to determine if the cancer has spread.  I'll send the lab technician back to obtain the biopsy.  I'll need you to undress and put this gown on with the opening in the back." exits the room, quietly shutting the door behind him.


Shoulder Angel: "Okay Bets, it's going to be okay.  We've got Jesus on our side!"

Shoulder Devil:  "Please.  Who are you trying to fool?  Didn't you see Grey's Anatomy?  Izzie died on the table!  The melanoma attached itself to her organs and she died!"

Shoulder Angel:  "Shut up Devil, Izzie didn't die, she lived...remember?  Dr. McDreamy brought her back to life!"

Shoulder Devil:  "Oh, yeah, if that's real life."

Shoulder Angel:  "Um, and Grey's Anatomy is real life?"

Shoulder Devil:  "I'm just sayin'...this is number seven for Betsy, she's had skin cancer seven times!"

Shoulder Angel:  "I think the previous six times were to prepare her for this time...admittedly this is a bit more serious, but she is a survivor...she will survive this...just like she has survived the previous times"

Shoulder Devil:  "Keep thinking that sweetheart, but she watches Grey's...she believes in that crap, it's a weakness of hers, and I love to play on it...muahahahahahahahhaha!"

*the examination room door opens and in walks beach Barbie (this chic is like a walking advertisement for tanning salons and the white lab coat only makes her look more like a mahogany bookcase), complete with the long, blond, side pony tail and the scent of bubblicious bubble gum...

Barbie Lab Tech:  "Hello! (high pitched voice, popping her gum) I'm going to gather some samples, this won't take long.  I"m going to ask you to lay on your tummy (tummy?  what, do I look like I'm five?) and I'll prep the area."

I lay on my "tummy" and take a deep breath in...I roll my eyes...and I slowly release my deep breath.

Barbie Lab Tech:  (wiping the area with sterilizer) "It's okay, you'll only feel a slight sting and a little bit of pressure and then, all done!  So, you have skin cancer?"

Me:  "Yes.  This is the seventh time.  Fortunately the previous six times have been a very non invasive skin cancer.  This time it's melanoma."

Barbie Lab Tech:  "Oh gosh!  Well, hopefully it hasn't spread to your lymph nodes.  That's what this biopsy is for, to determine if it has spread. (DUH!) you tan in tanning beds?"

Me:  "I have, yes.  But I don't go very often....maybe a total of ten times per year."

Barbie Lab Tech:  "Really?  Wow!  I tan in tanning beds and I go almost every day!  Isn't that funny?  I tan way more than you do, but you are the one with skin cancer..."

Me:  "Yeah.  Hilarious!"


  1. Hey...I got pinched today too. Of course, mine was when they were putting numbing meds in my gum and palette so that I could get three fillings and a tooth pulled and go back in next week and do it again. Thank God it finally stopped bleeding. I have been gauze free for three hours now I think. And they pulled it before 9:30 this morning. I didn't have a Barbie doing tho. And my dentist and dental assistant were not blondes and were careful with me. Even told me I had done great. you know, she will eventually get hers. Everyday in a tanning bed is insane. Do they still make the lotions that give you a glow? Would that help you to feel tan without the tanning bed? Bets, I can not believe that you are going through this hasn't been that long since the last time. Please, please, please let me know if I can do anything...(give me enough time to get off the pain meds first...they make me pretty loopy...was hoping I wouldn't have to use them but am not making it past four hours...) I love you girl. This too shall pass.

  2. Scary! My husband had melanoma and is now 5 1/2 years out from his diagnosis. It's apparent you keep a close watch on your skin so you've caught it early. Do what they tell you - whatever treatment they recommend. You can beat it. Prayers being lifted up for you today! blessings, marlene

  3. Girl, that sucks! I can't believe that retard of a nurse... You are in my prayers :)