Just Like Death...

My family and I just returned from the most amazing and wonderful vacation in Washington DC...

...I have several "DC Vacation" posts, but today I am using my blog as an outlet...

I have so much anger, confusion and pain inside...building over the years but most recently pierced with the sharp reality of "it isn't going to change...ever"....

Last Sunday, my husband and my children and I flew out to Washington DC for our very first family vacation! It was an entire week full of "firsts"...first time my boys have flown on a plane, first time my boys have been to another state, first time for all of us to see and experience all the history within our US Capitol!

...My mother's college roommate and dear, dear friend of our family, along with her husband invited us for the week to stay in their home and tour DC. They provided tickets to every museum you can think of, along with a car for us to use while we were in the city...we spent the days together as a family and in the evenings we joined our friends for incredible dinners and more sight seeing! It was AMAZING!!!

...On Monday evening (the second night of our trip), my biological father was invited to our friend's home for a beautiful and lovely dinner! It was the first time I had seen my father since my brother passed away...

My parents divorced when I was seven and my brother was two. He left us for his secretary at the time, who shortly after became his wife. Unfortunately, when you are seven years old and your father is taken and begins a new family, the "new" wife doesn't typically start out on your "best friend" list...

...that being said, I do feel that over the years I have allowed every opportunity for a relationship between my step-mother and me, sadly, she never intended for my brother and me to be a part of her new life with our father and so there has always been resentment and anger between us. I've always felt that she was the separation between my father and me...my father and my brother. Countless vacations and business trips, a home in Florida, trips to far away places....my brother and I were never a part of their fascinating life.

My biological father is a business man...a very successful business man. Traveling all around the world, it seemed he was gone more than he was home...and when he was home and my brother and I were visiting, he seemed preoccupied with the next week's business.

Even though, my brother and I loved our father. All we ever wanted was his love, his acceptance of who we were...

...it's no secret that both my brother and I made many, many mistakes in our lives....often causing embarrassment for our parents....

...having said that, our mother and our step-father never, ever gave up on us. Of course there was disappointment, but their love was unconditional...

...I guess I could say that our father always kept in contact with me (but if I'm to be honest, I really only heard from my dad when I would call), but the last seven years of my brother's life he didn't hear from our father at all....up until the last year, with a few sporadic calls. In fact, my brother's death was the first time our father had ever met his grandson (Cal's son), who was over a year and a half....

Our father moved to Washington DC roughly eight years ago...not once have my brother and I, along with our families, ever been invited out to visit. In the eight years he has lived in DC, I've seen my father a total of four times, one of them being my brother's funeral.

My children (my father's grandchildren) don't understand the relationship...they know my father as "Cam"...not as "grandpa". In fact, my youngest son refers to his grandfather as "your father" when he asks me questions about who my father is....

....I say all of this to paint a clear picture to you of the sort of relationship my brother and I had with our biological father....a relationship  (or lack thereof) that completely confused and angered my brother, robbing him of his self confidence and self worth...

...fortunately, after many years of repeated mistakes, I found the love of my life....my husband. Mark has shown me, and continues to show me, what real love is...therefore, I feel like I was able to escape a lot of the head games that come along with having a selfish father...although, I'm not completely free of the pain.

After my brother's funeral my father wrote me an email (and later sent a letter) saying that he did not wish to pursue a relationship with me or my boys any further. He was upset because at my brother's funeral, his name (my father's) was not mentioned in the service....

...the thing is, my father never introduced himself to the pastor...and the pastor only knew of our step-father, the man that has never once made us to feel like we were not his...the man who raised us since I was nine and my brother was four...the man who taught us unconditional love...

But for some reason, my biological father blamed me. He believes that I "planned" my brother's funeral so that his name would not be mentioned....sad? Completely. To begin...I didn't "plan" anything for my brother's funeral. Secondly...it wasn't about our father....it was my brother's day....a day I feel like he never got to have....he didn't have a wedding, he didn't have a graduation day....sadly, his day came due to his death....

On Monday evening, my father showed up for dinner....truthfully, I was a nervous wreck and somewhat apprehensive as to how the evening would pan out. After All, there were still fresh wounds from harsh words that were spoken after the last time I saw my father.

...Our friends put together a delicious dinner of barbecue and appetizers, potato casserole, fresh asparagus, and S'mores for dessert! The evening was gorgeous...we sat out on the patio, next to the pool...

...my father was with us for approximately two and a half hours....two and a half hours of conversation about my father. He didn't engage with my children, he didn't speak to my husband, he barely asked me about the happenings in my life....

....it was all about him.

And then he left.

Afterwards, as I sat in the guest room with my husband I realized that I don't know my father. Over the years I have felt that I knew bits and pieces of who he might be...but in that moment I discovered I don't know anything about him....

Honestly, I was okay with that. I don't really have a choice....

...unfortunately, the next few days would bring more pain and confusion...

I'm not sure if my step-mother and my biological father are jealous of the relationship that I have with my brother's wife and his children...or maybe they feel guilt for the years lost and now not gainable...but for whatever reason, my sister-in-love was called and told hurtful lies by my step-mother and my father.

I won't go into what was said to my sister-in-love....it doesn't matter what was told to her...what matters is that she was lied to...and in turn, she was hurt....and is still hurting.

Sadly, my sister-in-love is just now experiencing the hurt and the pain from my father and step-mother. It is easy to fall for their traps...they are quite convincing and have the money to "buy" love and admiration...I fell for it for years....

...and now I see. And I feel...

Last night my husband reminded me that I have to give all of this to God...for He knows the truth. Mark reminded me that my Heavenly Father has loved me since day one...never forsaking me, never leaving me....it's His love that I need to focus on....His love that I need to feel.

And so....I'm letting go....I'm letting all of it go....

....I'm handing it over to my Heavenly Father.

...as a very wise friends just recently said to me...."he's been living rent free in your head for long enough...it's time to move him out."

It's just like a death....
....another someone that I loved....that I cared for....a part of me....I, a part of him....
and I've got to let him go....