Friday, March 4, 2011

The New York Saga...Part One

You should hang out with me more, really...

..I create movie drama everywhere I go...

no, not a "romantic comedy" movie...not even an "adventure" genre....

...nope, it's straight up "Psycho" (circa 1960) movie drama.

You wouldn't believe it unless you were with a "Witness" (circa 1985, starring Harrison Ford)

Fortunately...for credibility's sake, I have witnesses for the tales I'm about to spin for you.  Contact me and I'll give you names and contact information ;)

This is part one of "The New York Saga"...a series of narratives recorded in chronological order, regarding my business trip to New York the week of Monday, February 28th through Friday, March 4th, 2011.

As a side note, you should know that my trip was very successful...I drummed up quite a bit of potential new business and my meetings were all positive...BUT, if something wacky and weird could did, so much so that I have enough material to blog for a week (if not more)!

Buckle up my friends, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.....

....which is a nice segway into my first story:

Cats On A Plane
 (the sequel to "Snakes On A Plane")

No secrets here...I hate to fly.  I'm a nervous wreck when I'm about to board a plane.  My palms become sweaty, my knees lock up, my vision blurs and I begin to feel dizzy.  I torture myself by imagining every terrible and scary scenario that could possibly occur during the flight...well, I thought I'd thought of every scenario...

Boy, was I wrong!

My boss, his wife and I had been hanging out in the Chicago airport for close to two hours due to a delay on our layover flight...

Surviving the flight from St. Louis to Chicago, I was feeling pretty good about the flight we were about to board.  I was exhausted from the already long day, knowing that we still had a good three to four hours ahead of us.  Thoughts of being able to relax and close my eyes for a bit on the next flight were aiding in my efforts to calm my nerves.  Finally, the Southwest staff announced our departure and in a single file we boarded the plane. 

Becky sat next to the window, Greg sat in the middle and I sat on the outside...the three of us, squeezed in the ridiculously small spaces, eager to land in New York and end our long day of travel.  It was 9:30 in the evening, the sky was dark and the stars were easily visible.  One by one the passengers loaded their carry ons in the overhead bins and chose their seats. 

Two girls and a boy sat directly behind the three of us.  In front of us sat a professional sports player, his wife, their daughter and his mother-in-law. Across the isle was a younger couple and behind them were three men, two in business attire.

The doors were secured, emergency exits were pointed out, and just in case the air pressure dropped we all were made aware how to use the oxygen masks that would fall from the ceiling of the plane...(remember, if you are traveling with someone that will need assistance you should always mask yourself first and then help others...just in case you ever travel with should know that if there is ever a time  we have to use the oxygen masks, I will be the individual that you will need to help.  So please help yourself and then quickly care for me.  Thank you, ahead of time)!

The engine roared and we began to bolt our way down the runway. This is my least favorite part of the flight (besides the landing)'s the part where I often wonder if what I am feeling at the moment is how a face lift patient feels after know, when the plane is traveling at a speed so fast that you can actually feel the skin on your face tightening, as if your smile (which by the way is unintentional) is stretched clear back to your ears, which are now in the back of your head.  The part where the plane lifts off the ground and at that very moment you decide that you don't want to be on that plane anymore because you are certain that something is about to go wrong....

and in this case, it did.

Suddenly, as the massive metal lifted up off the ground and the wheels were pulled into their we all sat at a 45 degree angle, climbing to 38,000 feet...the girl sitting directly behind us began FREAKING OUT...she LOST it...screaming profanities I've never even heard before.  Every other word was the "F" bomb, she was PANICKED!

My first thought was, "ummmm...this isn't helping my fear of flying"...I looked at Greg and Becky who both had looks of "what does this girl know that we don't know?"  The three of us began looking out at the wings of the plane, half expecting to see the gremlin from "The Twilight Zone."

Just as I turned my head to see if anyone else knew what was going on, out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of black fur dart down the isle towards the cabin of the plane.  "What the...???" I leaned over the arm of my chair and looked down the isle, watching passengers leap out of their seats, kicking up their legs with screams of "WHAT WAS THAT?!"

The young girl behind us caught her breath and yelled, "MY CAT!!!  MY CAT IS LOSE!!!" 

Seriously...where is Ashton Kutcher? Am I being "punked?"

I looked at Greg and Becky, who were completely dumbfounded. 

Suddenly, that flash of black fur zipped down the isle again, this time headed to the back of the plane....more yelps from the back end passengers and then a click of the overhead intercom and the male flight attendants voice...

"Okay! ....Who's cat is this?!!!!!"

Laughter, claps, cheers...the crowd was going wild with entertainment.  We all looked back and watched as the male flight attendant grabbed a flash light and got down on his knees, positioning himself to see under the beverage cart.  He set the flashlight aside and reached his hands under the cart and there was a loud screech...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!  The attendant jumped back....seconds later he reached his hands under the cart once more and began to drag the cat out from his hiding place....claws deeply sunken in the carpet, ripping the treads.............ssssssssssssccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhh!

Cheers of laughter and claps of successful capture towards our heroic cat napper filled the plane...

Coming down the isle, holding the black cat about 12 inches from his body, the flight attendant approached the young girl and firmly stated..."YOU MUST KEEP YOUR CAT LOCKED UP!!!!"  she replied, "I thought I did...I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen, he must have gotten out!"

Greg looked at me and said, "only with you do these sort of things happen"...

Like I said....

movie drama.  And this one is titled, "Cats On A Plane"

1 comment:

  1. Oh too funny, I can't wait for part two, part three. How many parts will there be??