The New York Saga...The Final Chapter

Whew! It's been over a week since my last post...but I'm not apologizing...you see, hottie hubby is away. Official National Guard business...top secret...so I can't share details (honestly I don't know details)...but I can say he's been gone since the day I returned from New York City (that was March 4th) and he will not return until April 1st!!!

....Yeah...that's a LONG time. And even though we go through this every year (sometimes twice a year)...this time has been the hardest! Not in "having to do it all on my own" kind of hard...but MISSING hottie hubby...I REALLY, REALLY miss my hottie hubby!

So...in the "I'm having to do it all on my own" kind of way, I've been too busy to blog!

Let's move along...

"Just Hand Me My Purse And Nobody Gets Hurt"

*Background - On December 17, 2002 I had INTENSE back surgery. Back in those days there was no such thing as "laser" spine surgery, where you check in in the morning and by evening you are resting on your couch....no, no...this was SIX hours, cut open your back from your tail-end to your lungs (so now I have what hottie hubby lovingly refers to as the "never-ending butt crack"), pull back the spine, cut bone from the right hip, fuse to the spine and insert FOUR rods, TEN screws and a plastic vertebra....

Yeah...you feel sorry for me now, right?

So, I had this back surgery and when I was released from the hospital a WEEK later, my doctor gave me a laminated card that has a photo of the inside of my back, showcasing all the metal and outlines the details. This cards purpose is/was to be used should I ever set any metal detectors off or alarm security...

I have NEVER had to use that card...not to say that I haven't set the alarms off (that happened in my Leadership Jefferson City class when we went to tour the Supreme Court building), but in the cases where I have set off the alarms, security has always been understanding when I shared that I'm the "bionic" woman (really that's not far from the truth, as I also have a bunch of metal in my jaw...but that's another post).

However, I ALWAYS have my handy dandy card with me.

Now, on to the story....

Our last day in New York we headed to Laguardia Airport for our 4:00 pm flight. In "my" world we were running a bit behind and I was a little sweaty thinking that we may not make our flight...those that travel with me think I stress too much.

The cabbie was paid, our luggage was checked in and our photos had been matched with our tickets. There we stood in the security line, which surprisingly moved very quickly...that should have been my first clue that all hell was about to break loose....

As I approached the conveyor belt I slipped off my comfy black flats and laid them in the gray plastic bin. Next to my shoes I dropped down my watch, my bracelet and my earrings. I grabbed another gray bin and laid my purse flat, next to my IPad, which was taken out of it's case. I watched my things go through the x-ray, flashing the guts of my purse on the screen above and with clearance the two gray bins exited the other side.

The male security guard motioned for me to walk slowly though the security arch and as I did the alarm sounded....beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeepbeep beep....

The guard motioned for me to step back. From the other side he asked me, "do you have anything in your pockets?" I replied, "I don't." He then motioned for me to walk slowly through the arch once more...

beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeepbeep beep....


Heavy sigh..."I have metal in my back, that could be what's causing the alarm to sound, if you'll hand me my purse I can show you a card..."
 
Behind the male security guard was a glass encased "holding cell" that had a door on the other side. He motioned for me to walk into the holding cell...to which I thought he meant, walk into the holding cell and walk through the glass door on the opposite side....so I tried that...but the door was locked...so I jiggled it....and pushed with my weight....and jiggled it again....I turned to the male guard, "um, this door is locked, I can't get through...."
 
To which he (not very politely) snapped, "mam, you need to stand still please. Take your hand off the door. Security will be over to "pat you down"...
 
(now, this might be TMI, but remember, I hadn't seen my husband in a week at this point and we only had about a 4 hour window where we would see one another before he left for 4 weeks...so I was a little "crazy" if you know what I mean)....so I replied to the guard, "Security will be over to "pat me down"??? Listen dude, don't talk dirty to me, I haven't seen my husband in a week!"
 
He didn't find the humor in that...
 
"Look, if you will just hand me my purse I can show you a card that verifies that there is metal in my back, there really isn't any need to take this any further..."
 
Glare.
 
Suddenly a female (well...I think she/he was a female...I'm pretty sure it's name tag said "Pat") walked towards me and opened the glass door....FREEDOM!!!!! 
 
Or not....
 
She grabbed my arm and gruffly ordered me to follow her..."Look, I have a card in my purse that verifies that there is metal in my back....I had surgery several years back and I have a LOT of metal back there....I can show you, just hand me my purse and I can show you..."
 
No answer, I'm not even sure she heard me....
 
Just beyond the conveyor belt (where EVERYONE ELSE was grabbing there cleared items and putting on their shoes and going about their way) was an area where the female guard asked me to stand...
 
....for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE...
 
She asked me to face the wall and raise my arms...."ummmmm.....is there a curtain you can pull? Something for privacy, maybe??"
 
Nope...she was going to "pat me down" right there, in front of all of New York City and the passengers from all 49 other states and some from other countries, I'm sure....
 
So I lifted my arms and she started from the bottom and worked her way up.....
 
....AWKWARD......
 
All I could think about was how I wished I had stuck with that Jenny Craig diet....
 
Then the female guard asked me to turn so I was facing the crowd (which has now become an "audience" at this circus like spectacle)....
 
So I turned, facing humiliation, with my arms up in the air as she started from the bottom and worked her way up once more....
 
In all fairness, she did strike up a conversation with me...
 
Guard: "So, you had back surgery?"
 
Me: (great, here we go...) "Yes, back in 2002."
 
Guard: "Were you in some sort of accident or something?"
 
Me: (this always makes my mother so proud) "Ummmm, something like that...I actually fell off a roof."
 
Guard: "What?? How high was the roof?"
 
Me: "Ummmm, it actually wasn't that high...it was the roof over the porch of the Phi Delt house"....
 
Guard (yep, she's catching on now...) "The Phi Delt house, huh? Were you drinking?"
 
Me: (Sigh) "yes" (in a small, meek voice)
 
Guard: "Okay...now I can appreciate that story..."
 
I rolled my eyes.
 
Finally the humiliation, the uncomfortableness and the "Please God, take me right now" pleading was over...
 
As I gathered up my things I thought to myself...
 
....I don't even get a dinner out of this???
 
 
*Their are two morals to this story....
 
1. My friendly little card that details my surgery and has photos for proof.....yeah, it means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
 
2. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT drink your freshman year of college while standing on the porch roof of the Phi Delt house.
 
*As a side note, the flight from NYC to Missouri had no loose cats on board! BONUS!
 

The New York Saga...Part Six

"Brooklyn's Finest"

Personally, this is my favorite story (aside from "Cats on a Plane" and "Bed Bugs")...

Our last appointment of the day on Tuesday was in Brooklyn, NY, specifically in "Polish Town".

The "simple" act of getting from Manhattan Island to Brooklyn is a nightmare if you are not a "true" New Yorker (take the "L" to the "G" and the "G" to Greenpoint Avenue....huh?)

A 40-minute travel and we were in Brooklyn. We hopped off the subway and it was as if we were in another world, very different from bustling Manhattan Island. We began to walk just a few blocks when we stumbled upon the street where our next appointment was located. The directions I had written down mentioned the "old Grammar school"...Greg and I spotted a church and next to the church (in the same parking lot) there was an older "school" looking building. We assumed this is where we needed to be. My directions also indicated that we should walk to the back parking lot and ring the bell on the back door...

...so we walked around the back of the building to the parking lot and found the door...but no bell. At this point of the day I was exhausted, I had walked a bazillion miles in my super cute silver 3-inch stilettos (what the heck is wrong with me?), I couldn't feel my feet and my portfolio felt as if it weighed a 1,000 pounds. I looked at Greg, "do you think this is it?" ...of course Greg thought that was the world's dumbest question, "how should I know? I've never been here!" (ummmm, yeah, but you're the grown up here and you're supposed to know...)  ;)

I turned around and scoped out the surroundings. It was dark, cold,  and we were completely boxed in by a tall privacy fence. There were three cars parked in odd places and absolutely no sounds other than the clicking of my heals on the rough cement...and  my heart pounding because at that point all I could think about was that I was in Brooklyn, NY in a place I have never been, in a dark, cold alley and if somebody tried to kidnap me, nobody would EVER KNOW!

As I turned back around, I spotted a door with a bell at the back of the church that shared the parking lot with the school building...

Ahhhhhhhhhh......church.....I was saved! As I begin to walk towards the door, Greg started to walk in the opposite direction, out of the parking lot...

I rang the bell on the door and a loud buzzing sound rang in my ears and with a click and a snap, the door was opened. "Greg!" I yelled, "look...." Greg turned towards me from the far end of the lot and yelled back, "go ahead, go in...."

.....so I did....thinking that Greg was right behind me....

....There I was, walking down a long, long, long, dark hallway. There was a door at the end of the hallway with light coming out from beneath....my stilettos tapped the linoleum floor and echoed around me. You know that scene from "Poltergeist"???....yeah, it was like that.

....I turned to look behind me, "where is Greg???"...my palms were beginning to sweat and my heart was racing...."where am I?"

I reached the door at the end of the "tunnel" and I turned around once more, hoping to see Greg behind me...no such luck. I grabbed the doorknob and the door flew open and I stumbled my way inside....

...there in front of me sat a priest, (black suit, white collar) and sitting in two chairs in front of his desk were a man and a woman, obviously receiving some sort of counseling (um, can I sit in too?)...

....all eyes were on me....the priest spoke to me, "Yes? May I help you?" Nervously I answered, "Um....is this Church To The Aid In Need?" (don't judge, that's really the name of the prospect I was searching for)...

The priest replied matter-of-fact, "they are across the street in the old Grammar building, just ring the bell at the back door."  ...."Yes, um, you see, there isn't a 'bell' and the door is locked...." I felt like a complete idiot...and where in the world was Greg????? The priest looked over to his right and there, behind a glass window sat the church secretary, "Mary" (aw, what a coincidence) "call up to Michael and let him know someone is at the back door"...(admittedly when he said Michael, I pictured John Travolta with angels wings).

"Thank you", I smiled and bowed out, allowing the couple to reconvene.

As I walked back down the long, dark, cold hallway I couldn't help but be frustrated with Greg...where was he??

I exited the back door and was fully prepared to read Greg the riot act but as I looked around...Greg was no where to be found... OH MY GOSH....Greg's been kidnapped!! He will NEVER be found! I don't know where I am!!! I need him to be on this call with me, I'm too tired to think straight!! What do I do???? Dang, my shoes are KILLING me, but they sure are super cute!

I yelled Greg's name, "GREG????????"

Just then Greg appears from the front of the building and comes strolling up the parking lot....

"Um, hello, McFly???????!!!!  Where have you been? I just about met my death when I walked in on 'Michael Corleone" and some troubled couple and you were NO WHERE TO BE FOUND!!!!!!"

It's in moments like these that Greg just looks at me with a "who-are-you-and-where-did-you-come-from?" expression.

Finally, Michael showed up and he opened the door...

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, relief for my aching feet and defeated body! And then Michael (whom I was meeting for the very first time and was so excited about talking with him) squashed my sense of solace....

"Hello, I'm Michael. I'm sorry, there's no elevator in this building and my office is on the fourth floor, we will have to walk the steps...."

My jaw dropped and my shoulders sank....

Turns out Michael did NOT have angel wings....(but his hair was incredibly awesome)!

*As a side note, Greg claims that he was "looking for the front entrance" when he was no where to be found... But I know that he was just as scared as I was and he was using me as the "scare bait" and hiding in the bushes...

The New York Saga...Part Five

"Mixed Marketing Message"

...continuing our "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" theme, our bizarre day did not end with Mr. Mayonnaise.


As Greg and I were walking back to our morning appointment (the one that I thought was an hour earlier) we strolled passed a young woman with a dog who appeared to be homeless. This girl looked to be a few years younger than me, hair in dread locks, what looked to be like a well fed dog (that was confusing) and a long, tan overcoat. She sat up against the wall beneath a Barnes and Noble store with a large cardboard sign decorated with large, black, block letters.


...Before I go into what the cardboard sign said, I would like to first say that I'm all for helping out the homeless, if it makes sense. I see no problem with offering a hot cup of coffee or even a meal to someone that is clearly struggling and on the street. However, I'm generally against random cash handouts, because it rarely really helps the individual.


...Back to the homeless girl....admittedly it pulls at my heart strings to see people suffer, I was totally ready to hand her a coupon for a free Fruit & Maple Oatmeal from McDonald's (fully prepared to warn her about the lunatic flipping out about the $0.38 mayonnaise) but then my eyes caught her sign....

"What the %!&#

It's just a buck!"

Ooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy...there goes that "pulling of the heart strings" feeling I had, and as for that coupon for free oatmeal...no way, Jose!


...I am in the marketing business, and I'm pretty sure that she should change her message...I doubt it's really working for her...


....but on the bright side, she could always meet up with Mr. Mayonnaise and give him the same advice...I mean really, $0.38 is not even half a buck, right!?


...Apparently her test marketing didn't pay off, when Greg and I walked back by after our appointment she had changed her sign..

(this wasn't her actual sign,

but it might as well have been)

The New York Saga...Part Four

The continuance of
"It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World"

...because New York's "world" is REALLY mad!

Ah, New York City...where the Wall Street tycoons turn out to be desperate men looking for a "short stay" that only requires twenty minutes...

...so, we left off yesterday with me walking away from the very nice, but unacceptable offer from the kind businessmen. Greg and I walked a few blocks to the end of 5th avenue, passing through Washington Square Park. If you have never been to Washington Square Park in NYC, it's a beautiful area with a magnificent arch, a fountain pit and two sets of playgrounds, for the babies and for the bigger kids, a dog run and what I can only assume a bustling drug trade.

We ended up walking into a McDonald's across the street from the park and ordered hot coffee and a small bite to eat (I need food when I take my pills...the pills keep my OCD to a minimum, but even that is still working at a high level, so just imagine if I didn't take the pills??!)....by the way, what's with the questionable look that my boss gives me every time I order a coffee? Three splenda's and 4 creamers is not out of the ordinary, right?

...so, there we are, sitting at a small table at the front of McDonald's, checking our emails, listening to phone messages and drinking our coffee...when all of the sudden insanity explodes!!!

Some dude, and he wasn't homeless (or least didn't appear to be) was pitching an all out FIT about McDonald's wanting to charge him $0.38 for mayonnaise....

....ummmmm, okay, it's early morning dude, why do you need mayonnaise? What breakfast food could you possibly put mayonnaise on? Seriously!?

So there he is...having a one sided conversation (directed towards the manager of McDonald's, who was smartly in the back) screaming at the top of his lungs that "this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. You want to charge me $0.38 for mayonnaise?!!! ARE YOU KIDDING?!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!!"

....you see, NYC has an anti-terror "See Something, Say Something" campaign, and the city has a gazillion posters encouraging anyone to report suspicious activity to the proper authorities. I’m all for this kind of tattle tailing, and was wondering if I should report this obviously mentally ill man to the cop that was sitting in the Dunkin Donuts next door...

.....but then I realized this man was not completely insane when he yelled this....(my favorite part of his solo dialog)...."YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO???!!! I'M NEVER, EVER COMING BACK HERE!"

....really Mr. Mayonnaise? You'll never, ever come back to this McDonald's?? That's so sad....because I'm sure that this McDonald's, located at the end of 5th Avenue in NEW YORK CITY is going to notice that you are no longer coming in and asking for $0.38 mayonnaise....

Honestly, I was to the point of offering him the $0.38, but my own coin purse was empty...I think they charged me for the 3 splenda's and 4 creamers. How dare they! Maybe I should have offered him one of my pills....

Still more to this day...but my posts have been GINORMOUSLY LONG (as pointed out by my boss) so I'll continue this continuance tomorrow...

To be continued....again.

The New York Saga...Part Three

"It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World"

After the long day and night of travel we had, getting up the next morning was really difficult...at least for me...I'm not a morning person....
Coats on, portfolios in hand, we walked out onto the streets of New York City and hailed a cab (no hanging monkey from the rear view mirror!). Making good time, I glanced over my notes for this appointment (a new prospect) and saw that I had written down that Brian (that's our contact's name) wanted me to call him when we were on our way. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed the number that was scribbled on my notes (above the side note that Brian would be in a meeting until just before our appointment). Brian's voicemail answered my call..."Hi Brian, this is Betsy with Modern Litho Print and I wanted to let you know that Greg and I are on our way to your office. You are probably still in your  meeting, I will call you when we get to your building. Thanks Brian!"

At twenty after nine the cab pulled up in front of the building where we would be meeting our new prospect. Eager to meet Brian face to face I jumped out of the cab while Greg paid the toll and entered the beautiful NY building. Over sized, heavy glass doors opened up to a marble lobby. The front desk was marble and cradled a dozen security monitors. A young man, looking like he was one of the "Men In Black" was dressed in black suit with a white shirt that looked to have been heavily starched. The vaulted area echoed the sounds of ladies high heels and men's dress shoes as staff continued to file in from coming off the subway. I grabbed my cell phone out of my purse and pressed Brian's number that had been recorded in my phone from the first call, "Hi Brian, it's Betsy from Modern Litho Print, again. I just wanted to let you know that Greg and I are in the lobby now, we will wait here for your call or for you to come down and meet us. Thanks Brian!"

...I smiled at Greg, "he's probably still in his meeting, he will be down soon."  Greg nodded with approval.

There we stood...Greg and me...leaning against the cool marble walls, people watching, commenting on the variety of dress among those that clearly worked in the building. Some were dressed in jeans and sweaters, others in pencil skirts and dress pants. The shoes were a mixture of Jimmy Choos and Sketchers with a few Payless boots taken from the sale rack, I'm sure. 

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Twenty minutes had passed and panic set in. In my head I was reeling..."oh my gosh, what if this guy stands me up? What if we just traveled to New York and our first appointment is a no show and it's an indication of how this whole business trip is going to turn out?????"

I looked at Greg...I swear I saw a look of "if this guy is a no show, you are in deep dodo" and my panic grew more intense. I looked away and turned my back to Greg...slowly I unzipped my portfolio to check my calendar to see if I had any "back up" prospects we could call on...at least Greg wouldn't think it was a total waste of time....

....as I opened my calendar and looked at Tuesday's appointments I gulped. Then I froze. Crap! Our first appointment...the appointment with Brian.....yeah....we were actually an hour early!! I forget about the time change...well, actually, that doesn't even make sense because we gain an hour....so that won't work for an excuse....okay, I'll admit...I goofed, so sue me!

I turned to Greg...he immediately knew, "what?"

I flashed a "I'm a complete idiot" smile and said, "ummmmmm, our appointment is actually another hour from now....ha. haha. ha."........silence.

Greg just shook his head. I think he might has sighed "unbelievable" under his breath, but I can't be for sure.

So...I picked up my cell phone, hit Brian's number for the THIRD time and left ANOTHER message...."Hahahahahahaa. haaaa. haa. Hi Brian, it's Betsy from...oh heck, you probably recognize my voice by now. Yes, well, ummmmm, we were in the lobby and the funniest thing happened....I realized our appointment isn't for another hour! Crazy, huh? Ha! So...we are going to get a cup of coffee and be back in an hour. Ha! And just so you don't have a nutty first impression of me, I'm totally blaming this on the fact that we got into NY late, late last night....after a black cat was loose on our plane and the three of us were booked for a one room hotel room....but we don't roll that way, so that was fixed...we have two rooms now...but my mattress is on the floor...probably infested with bed bugs, cause I hear that's a real problem here...so, yeah...don't think I'm crazy....cause I'm not....I promise. Okay, we'll see you in an hour! Thanks Brian."

Yeah....that shouldn't have made any impression other than professional, organized and intelligent.  Right?

Okay, so that was the first "mad" event of the day. But it gets better (did you need better?)

...Greg and I walk out of the marble building and begin to  make our way to the closest coffee shop. Of course we had no clue where we were or where we were going, so we looked like total tourists...so much so that two extremely nice gentlemen stopped and asked, "are you lost? Do you need help?"

Let me say first that these two men were very nicely dressed. Business suits, briefcases, long, wool overcoats, hair slicked back....total Wall Street executives.

...I smiled at the kindness of the gentleman and replied, "no, we are okay, thank you!" But the men begged to differ..."really? Because you look like tourists!" I giggled, "really? What gave it away? The look of complete confusion or the Manhattan map that I'm clutching?...We are looking for Union Square." Both gentlemen pointed to the right, "Union Square is roughly two blocks that way, you can't miss it. Where are you from?"
The four of us crossed the street together, "Jefferson City, Missouri...it's the Capitol" (I say that every time because people in NYC think that St. Louis is Missouri's Capitol...as if!) Greg and I continued to walk with the two quisitive men, "what brings you to New York?"...I quickly replied, "business". They seemed intrigued, "What kind of business are you in?" beginning to feel like we were old friends I answered, "I sell printing...what do you do? Do you have printing needs?....Because I've got about an hour before my next appointment, do you have an hour you could spend with me?" I was full of excitement at the prospect of having an opportunity to meet with these two "Donald Trump" types! Wouldn't this be the greatest sales story of all time....sales rep meets Wall Street tycoons while crossing the street and makes a million dollar sale!! 

BUT...that's not what these two men had in mind....in fact, the older of the two answered my request for an hour of their time with this..."I've got an hour for a 'short stay', but really I only need twenty minutes..." He winked and smiled.

Ummmm, hello? This is not "Pretty Woman" and I am not looking for a "short stay"...I just want your printing dude!  That's p-r-i-n-t-i-n-g!

Politely declining the man's offer, Greg and I parted ways with the gigolos executives. Fear not dear readers, the madness does not end there!

No...in fact, that was just a warm up to what the rest of the day would hold!

Because this one day could become a novel, I will allow you to rest. We will continue the insanity tomorrow...

*Before I leave you, eagerly waiting for the conclusion of day two in NYC, you should know that all turned out well with our new prospect Brian! He completely understood my mental issues and actually would like to further our conversation!

....Mental illness totally works for me! ;)

The New York Saga...Part Two

Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite!

*A bit of background before we begin*

As I was packing my suitcase for my business trip to New York, hottie husband offered a warning,

"When you check into your hotel room, make certain you use the luggage rack provided in the rooms to place your suitcase. Do not, under any circumstances set you suitcase on the hotel room floor."

Giggling at his super serious facial expression and his matter-of-fact tone I buzzed back...

"Ummmmm, ooookay.  Why?"

All joking aside, he responded...

"I recently saw on the news how bed bugs are a serious issue in hotels, especially in New York.  There was an investigation on Dateline a few weeks ago about how the hotels are entrusting exterminators to spray the rooms, however these professionals are only spraying the beds and small areas around the beds. Meaning that the pesky critters are still hiding in places you wouldn't think of, such as corners of the room, under furniture and on the floors."

The OCD within me was triggered...I shuddered and promised I would not, under any circumstances, set my suitcase with all my belongs on the floor of the hotel room.  This chic was NOT going to bring the bed bugs back to the "Show-Me State"!

~ * ~

We landed at Laguardia Airport in New York City at 1:30 in the morning. Eleven hours of travel had the three of us irritable and eager to get to our hotel and crash. Our first business appointment was scheduled for 9:30, a mere eight hours away and we would need to leave the hotel no later than 8:45 to make our destination, meaning I would need to be up and at it by 7:30 (this will all be relevant in my next post, titled "Its A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World")

The bitter cold nipped at our faces as we stood in a single file line outside the airport waiting for a cab.  The line moved slowly, my suitcase weighed a ton, my body was begging me for rest and we still had a 20 minute cab ride ahead of us! Finally we loaded our bags into the back of a cab and the three of us piled in the back seat. Before giving directions to the cabbie I looked at his rear view mirror...no hanging monkey from the mirror, I made a mental note that we were good to go! (Ummmm, hello???  Have you ever seen the movie "The Bone Collector", starring Denzel Washington? In case you haven't, in the movie a married couple hops into a cab in NYC and state their destination...the cabbie has a monkey hanging from his rear view mirror and the couple ends up buried under railroad tracks under the Brooklyn Bridge....yeah, I'm not taking any chances!)

31st Street and 7th Avenue, we had arrived at our hotel. The Affinia Manhattan, our first time staying at this hotel, the lobby decor looked promising.

*I should back up a moment and offer additional background information that will play a vital role in the details of this tale...

My boss is "frugal" with his money. That's saying it nicely...there are a few other choice words I would offer, but I promised to be nice. Why is this information important, you may ask? Well....because when one works for a "frugal" boss, one must make sacrifices....such as, oh...I don't know....sharing a two room suite with one's "frugal" boss and his wife (which by the way, kudos to her for staying with this "Scrooge" for over 25 years!) In his defense, an acceptable hotel room in New York City starts at a rate of around $350 a night, so spending $700 a night for four nights is a bit crazy. So, each time I venture to NYC and my boss and his wife accompany me, we share a two room suite...and in all honesty, it's quite alright...we've done it so much now that I'm totally passed my bathroom issues (as in I don't go all week...which works out nicely because by the time I return home and finally use a restroom, I lose about four pants sizes).

Now that you are armed with this bit of background you can appreciate the rest of the story....

Where was I?.....Ah, yes...the hotel...

So, my boss, his wife and I saunter into the lobby of the Affinia Manhattan and approach the front desk. The attendant was kind, she could see we were exhausted so she did her best to make check in as quick and smooth as possible. Within her memorized welcome she offered information about the hotel restaurant located to the left of the lobby, the workout gym which houses six ellipticals and four treadmills is located on the second floor and is free for use with your hotel stay. "Your hotel room is our one room suite with a king sized bed and a couch, how many keys would you like?"

Becky and I looked at one another...Greg had wandered off to the far side of the lobby and was making small talk with the security guard.  Becky quizzed the attendant, "I'm sorry, did you say one room suite? The couch pulls out to a bed, correct?"  The attendant looked confused, "Yes mam, it is a one room suite, but the couch does not pull out to a bed. There is a king sized bed." Beginning to panic, I inquired a second time, "But the couch is in a separate room, right?" Still confused the attendant torted back, "No mam, the couch and the bed are in the one room...hence, the one room suite." Okay, I was in full panic mode...

Becky, in all of her calmness simply explained to the attendant that we would need a pull out couch and a separate room, she asked if we could be upgraded.  The attendant began clicking away on her keyboard, searching for an available two room suite with a pull out bed.  While searching, the attendant pressed the situation, "I wondered how that was going to work when you approached the front desk. I thought maybe the gentleman would be leaving or perhaps you had another reservation." I was satisfied with her assessment of the pickle we were in...at least she didn't think this was an episode of "Big Love."

After our debacle was solved we took the elevator to the eighth floor and opened the door to our two room suite. Spacious, that was my first impression. Old, but nice, was my second. The three of us looked at the couch that would pull out into my bed and laughed....should we even attempt to pull it out? Or would nuts and bolts project from their obviously rusted hinges and the whole thing collapse? The couch was dated...to say the least.

As Becky entered their room, she explained..."this is interesting."  We entered the doorway and were perplexed with the layout before us.  A queen sized bed, a nightstand and on the other side of the nightstand was a twin sized bed.  Hmmmmmmm.  Greg had a brilliant idea! "We could take the mattress off the twin sized bed and drag it into the other room and you could sleep on it while we are here."  It seemed logical, and at the moment, comfortable. I let Greg and Becky drag the two ton mattress to my space...I didn't want to break a nail!

I wheeled my suitcase over to the luggage rack and hoisted it up to rest high above the floor! (Are you proud honey?)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....FINALLY, the three of us could put an end to our bizarre day and rest for the next few hours. Greg and Becky shut their door and I washed the day away in my separate bathroom (oh, did I mention there were TWO bathrooms this time!! I had my OWN BATHROOM!! No bladder infections for me this time! WhooHoo!), slipped on my pj's and sunk into the fresh sheets on my mattress on the floor.....

The room was dark. The shades were pulled. The sounds of the city that never sleeps filled the silence. I closed my eyes and withdrew a deep breath. Slowly releasing a sigh I allowed my body to go limp...

...and then BAM! A thought crossed my mind and I sat straight up on my mattress on the floor....

.....my. mattress. on. the. floor.

The floor........with my mattress.....on it.

Do you see where this is going?

Hey hottie husband....I'll be DARNED if I'm going to lay my suitcase on the bed bug ridden floor of my hotel room!

....but, did Dateline say anything about mattresses on the floor????

The New York Saga...Part One

You should hang out with me more often...no, really...

..I create movie drama everywhere I go...

no, not a "romantic comedy" movie...not even an "adventure" genre....

...nope, it's straight up "Psycho" (circa 1960) movie drama.

You wouldn't believe it unless you were with me...like a "Witness" (circa 1985, starring Harrison Ford)

Fortunately...for credibility's sake, I have witnesses for the tales I'm about to spin for you.  Contact me and I'll give you names and contact information ;)

This is part one of "The New York Saga"...a series of narratives recorded in chronological order, regarding my business trip to New York the week of Monday, February 28th through Friday, March 4th, 2011.

As a side note, you should know that my trip was very successful...I drummed up quite a bit of potential new business and my meetings were all positive...BUT, if something wacky and weird could happen....it did, so much so that I have enough material to blog for a week (if not more)!

Buckle up my friends, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.....

....which is a nice segway into my first story:

Cats On A Plane
 (the sequel to "Snakes On A Plane")

No secrets here...I hate to fly.  I'm a nervous wreck when I'm about to board a plane.  My palms become sweaty, my knees lock up, my vision blurs and I begin to feel dizzy.  I torture myself by imagining every terrible and scary scenario that could possibly occur during the flight...well, I thought I'd thought of every scenario...

Boy, was I wrong!

My boss, his wife and I had been hanging out in the Chicago airport for close to two hours due to a delay on our layover flight...

Surviving the flight from St. Louis to Chicago, I was feeling pretty good about the flight we were about to board.  I was exhausted from the already long day, knowing that we still had a good three to four hours ahead of us.  Thoughts of being able to relax and close my eyes for a bit on the next flight were aiding in my efforts to calm my nerves.  Finally, the Southwest staff announced our departure and in a single file we boarded the plane. 

Becky sat next to the window, Greg sat in the middle and I sat on the outside...the three of us, squeezed in the ridiculously small spaces, eager to land in New York and end our long day of travel.  It was 9:30 in the evening, the sky was dark and the stars were easily visible.  One by one the passengers loaded their carry ons in the overhead bins and chose their seats. 

Two girls and a boy sat directly behind the three of us.  In front of us sat a professional sports player, his wife, their daughter and his mother-in-law. Across the isle was a younger couple and behind them were three men, two in business attire.

The doors were secured, emergency exits were pointed out, and just in case the air pressure dropped we all were made aware how to use the oxygen masks that would fall from the ceiling of the plane...(remember, if you are traveling with someone that will need assistance you should always mask yourself first and then help others...just in case you ever travel with me...you should know that if there is ever a time  we have to use the oxygen masks, I will be the individual that you will need to help.  So please help yourself and then quickly care for me.  Thank you, ahead of time)!



The engine roared and we began to bolt our way down the runway. This is my least favorite part of the flight (besides the landing)...it's the part where I often wonder if what I am feeling at the moment is how a face lift patient feels after surgery...you know, when the plane is traveling at a speed so fast that you can actually feel the skin on your face tightening, as if your smile (which by the way is unintentional) is stretched clear back to your ears, which are now in the back of your head.  The part where the plane lifts off the ground and at that very moment you decide that you don't want to be on that plane anymore because you are certain that something is about to go wrong....

and in this case, it did.

Suddenly, as the massive metal lifted up off the ground and the wheels were pulled into their pockets...as we all sat at a 45 degree angle, climbing to 38,000 feet...the girl sitting directly behind us began FREAKING OUT...she LOST it...screaming profanities I've never even heard before.  Every other word was the "F" bomb, she was PANICKED!

My first thought was, "ummmm...this isn't helping my fear of flying"...I looked at Greg and Becky who both had looks of "what does this girl know that we don't know?"  The three of us began looking out at the wings of the plane, half expecting to see the gremlin from "The Twilight Zone."

Just as I turned my head to see if anyone else knew what was going on, out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of black fur dart down the isle towards the cabin of the plane.  "What the...???" I leaned over the arm of my chair and looked down the isle, watching passengers leap out of their seats, kicking up their legs with screams of "WHAT WAS THAT?!"

The young girl behind us caught her breath and yelled, "MY CAT!!!  MY CAT IS LOSE!!!" 

Seriously...where is Ashton Kutcher? Am I being "punked?"

I looked at Greg and Becky, who were completely dumbfounded. 

Suddenly, that flash of black fur zipped down the isle again, this time headed to the back of the plane....more yelps from the back end passengers and then a click of the overhead intercom and the male flight attendants voice...

"Okay! ....Who's cat is this?!!!!!"

Laughter, claps, cheers...the crowd was going wild with entertainment.  We all looked back and watched as the male flight attendant grabbed a flash light and got down on his knees, positioning himself to see under the beverage cart.  He set the flashlight aside and reached his hands under the cart and there was a loud screech...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!  The attendant jumped back....seconds later he reached his hands under the cart once more and began to drag the cat out from his hiding place....claws deeply sunken in the carpet, ripping the treads.............ssssssssssssccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhh!

Cheers of laughter and claps of successful capture towards our heroic cat napper filled the plane...

Coming down the isle, holding the black cat about 12 inches from his body, the flight attendant approached the young girl and firmly stated..."YOU MUST KEEP YOUR CAT LOCKED UP!!!!"  she replied, "I thought I did...I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen, he must have gotten out!"

Greg looked at me and said, "only with you do these sort of things happen"...

Like I said....

movie drama.  And this one is titled, "Cats On A Plane"