What Isn't Safe About Naked Cowboys?

My mother is overly protective. Perhaps she has tuned into too many "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" episodes. I think she first warned me about the dangers of the date rape drug before my first day of kindergarten. Therefore it only makes sense that each time I visit NYC, my mother wants me to wear a bright orange whistle on a scrunchy plastic wristband, supposedly to ward off molesters and other lowlife scum. After many arguments I have convinced her that at the age of 35 wearing a wrist whistle would only scream, “I’m a tourist, and my mother's insane!”

Actually NYC is the safest big city in the U.S. Most of my evidence of this is anecdotal, but check out crime stats. There are a bazillion people living in NYC, and they’re not all plotting to rob, rape, or murder you. They’re busy doing other things, like trying to pay the god awful high rent on their apartments, understand the taxi drivers and buying surgical masks to prevent catching the Swine Flu.

That being said, there is some crime in NYC. But there is crime everywhere. You don't need a bright orange whistle on a plastic scrunchy to survive...use common sense. I trust you know not to wave fifty dollar bills around, screaming, “Dang! I’m rolling in the cash money! This new iPhone I just bought sure is nice. By the way, I’m lost and confused!”

By the way, if you do get lost and you are confused, don’t panic. Ask a person who looks approachable and sane for help....

Like this guy:

P.S. This was the highlight of my trip!