Leaving On A Jet Plane....

Tomorrow I leave for New York. Yes, tomorrow I am heading straight for the über-cluster of Swine Flu. Like the hero firefighter going into the burning building. OK, not at all like that, but still. And let's not forget the Air Force One flyby scare. Do you see a pattern here? I plan a trip to New York...week prior to arriving in New York strange and bizarre diseases break out and we have a 9-11 scare. Coicendence? I think not.

Never mind my fear of flying....

There are people who "don't like" to fly.

There are people who say "flying makes them nervous".

There are people who say they "are afraid to fly".

And then there's me.

For me to even pass through the Revolving Door of Hell at the airport entrance, I must be so high on pharmaceuticals that I need a "handler".

I have tried "relaxation techniques" and "positive visualization". It is a miracle I didn't wrench the emergency exit open mid-flight.

My heart pounds, my palms sweat and suddenly I have the acute hearing of a Doberman pinscher:

"WHAT WAS THAT? Was that the engine shutting off? Oh God, there's no engine. We're going to die. And what was that noise? The landing gear malfunctioning? What if we lose cabin pressure? What if there's a bomb in the luggage? What if that stewardess is an Al Qaeda operative who's been training for this moment to kill us all with a deadly poison in the air ducts? I bet she's already made her suicide video. What if a bird gets sucked into the engine? What if someone opens the emergency exit in panic in mid-flight? Oh, wait - that's me."

SO.......the medication plan is as follows:

1 Xanax in car ride to airport
3/4 of a water bottle filled with chardonnay at check-in
another 1/2 Xanax waiting for takeoff...

result = "Me? I have no froblem plying."