...I heard my brother's voice for the last time.
"I love you" ....were the last words I spoke to my brother...
"Love you"...were the last words spoken to me by my brother...
Three days later, my brother passed away.
I still have thoughts of...."I should have"...
...I should have gotten in the car and driven the thirty minutes it would take to visit him in the hospital...to hold his hand...to see his smile...
...I should have called him the next day and told him I loved him again...
But the truth is...nobody knew...
...we were blindsided.
I remember the day as if it were yesterday...and yet, it will be a year this Friday, July 29th.
...I remember every. single. detail.
And when I close my eyes at night, I relive each moment over....
But I also see God's work...
My therapist suggested that I record my thoughts...write down the details...
"Observe your grievance," she softly spoke...
A Grievance Observed...
The week of July 26, 2010 was sticky hot...my parents home was floor to ceiling with packed boxes, marked with various rooms for the new home they would move into at the end of the week.
Friends and students of my mother's occupied every space in the four story home that my siblings and I grew up in...chaos saturated every square inch...boxes were organized into stacks of "goodwill", "new home" and "pitch". Pick up trucks were parked in the front yard and several of the young, strong boys that were previous students of my mother's carried out heavy pieces of furniture...antiques that had been handed down throughout the years.
My brother had been admitted to the VA Hospital in Columbia, MO the week before. Living with Crohn's disease for several years, Cal had been in and out of hospitals frequently...the only real difference this time was that the doctors had given indication that they would finally do surgery (a last resort for most Crohn's patients)...
On Tuesday, July 27th I called the VA Hospital at 10:45 in the morning and asked the attendant to transfer my call to my brother's room. The phone rang twice and my brother's voice came across from the other end...
"Hello?"
"Yo! What's up?"
"Oh, I'm just sittin' back, drinkin' a daiquiri, watching the 'Price is Right', waiting for my sponge bath..."
"Hahahaha! how are you feeling today?"
"The same."
"Have they said anything about when the surgery will be?"
"No. They are trying to clear up an infection first."
"Okay...well, I might be in Columbia later this week for work, so I'll stop by if I have time."
"Okay."
"Alright....well, enjoy that daiquiri...and the sponge bath...hahaha!"
"Right."
"I love you!"
"Love you."
Click....
My sister-in-love had been staying with my boys during the day while school was out for summer vacation. Because she would go to the hospital every day and spend time with Cal, I was given a daily update when she would come to my home in the mornings to stay with the boys. In all honesty, my brothers stay in the hospital this time seemed like the "normal" routine as previous times that he was admitted...
...with all of the commotion over my parents move, every one's thoughts were focused on packing and organizing...the move itself was a huge ordeal...our parents were moving from their home of twenty-five plus years...moving from a four story home to a one level home to accommodate our ailing father, who was now in a wheelchair.
On Wednesday, July 28th, my father was sitting in the kitchen of our old home, attending to the dozens of people that were in and out among the boxes. Because of his MS, he did not have the strength to really contribute to the move, other than sitting back and barking out orders...(that's a bit of humor, he really wasn't all that bossy)...so he did what he could from his chair at the kitchen table, while snacking on kettle corn that one of the volunteers had brought to the moving "party"...
...this is where I see God's healing hand in the tragedy we would soon face....
....My father had chipped his tooth on a piece of kettle corn....it did enough damage that he needed to see a dental specialist right away....and the closest dental specialist that could see my father immediately was located in Columbia....just a few short blocks from the hospital where my brother was staying..
My mother had been so busy in the move that she had not had the opportunity to visit my brother in the hospital that week...but because my father needed to see the dental specialist the next morning, she would have the time to stop by and see my brother! (Do you see God's hand in this??)
...Thursday morning, July 29th my mother entered my brothers hospital room in the morning and spent a little over an hour with him while she waited for my father. Cal wasn't feeling well, he was in a lot of pain and his stomach was extremely swollen. His skin was pale and he asked my mother to leave because he didn't want her to see him like that...
...my mother spoke to the doctor and she was assured that they were treating an infection and then would proceed with the surgery....
Kissing my brother on his forehead, my mother told Cal that she loved him and she left his room...
...as a side note, I see God's healing hand in these particular details because had my father not chipped his tooth and needed to see a dental specialist in Columbia, my mother would not have seen my brother that morning...but rather, she did see my brother...the morning of his death...and she was able to tell him face to face that she loved him....
Late that morning my sister-in-love called me and asked if I would watch the kids (my brother's two year old daughter and one year old son) that evening so she could visit my brother and spend some time with him. Excited with the opportunity to spend time with my niece and nephew, I asked Corinn to call my cell phone when she was ready to bring the kids to me.
After work I changed my clothes and my husband and I went to my parents new home to begin unpacking boxes...in the hours before, all the furniture and boxes had been moved from my parents old home to their new home and the chaos moved right along with it all!
...at five minutes after six, as I was standing in my mother's new kitchen, unpacking her "everyday" dishes when my cell phone rang. My husband was closer to my cell phone than I was and picking it up he said, "it's Corinn..." I quickly grabbed the phone thinking that she was calling me to let me know she was on her way to bring me the kids...
"Hello?"
"Yes, Betsy? This is Michelle, Cal's nurse at the VA Hospital..."
confused I answered..."oh....hi...."
"Betsy, I'm trying to get a hold of your mother and I can't reach her...do you know where she is?"
...suddenly my stomach hurt...
"Yes, she's here at the new house, she's outside watering the plants...do you want me to get her?"
"No...actually, I need you and your mother to come to the VA Hospital."
...my stomach turned..."right now?"
"Yes."
"Why?? What's wrong? Is Cal okay?"
She hesitated...."Well.....we think he took a turn for the worse...."
"We are on our way" ....and I hung up.
Panicked I looked at my husband and said, "that was Cal's nurse, they think he took a turn for the worse....I can't tell my mom....she'll go crazy....what do I do?? Something is wrong...." I began to shake and then I headed towards the basement of my mother's home knowing that her two closest friends were unpacking boxes....my husband followed me.
...when I reached the basement I found Barb and Becky, two dear friends of my mothers, and the "head chief's" of the moving coalition that week...
...the tears came from nowhere...and they fell freely..."please help me....my brother's nurse just called and they want my mom and me to come to the hospital right now....they said Cal has taken a turn for the worse....something is wrong...I just know it....I can feel it....I can't tell my mom....help me....."
Becky looked at me and gently placed her hand on my back..."okay...it's okay, they probably are going to do his surgery now...your mom is outside, we can go tell her."
My husband calmly said that he would let my mother know that the nurse had called and that he would offer to drive us to Columbia....
...my mother reacted exactly like I thought she would...she was hysterical, asking me over and over to repeat exactly what the nurse had said to me....
...."She said that they think Cal took a turn for the worse....I don't know anymore mom....."
The next several moments are like snapshots in my mind....
*I remember getting into the backseat of my car, allowing my mother to sit in the front while my husband drove us to the hospital....we had a thirty minute drive ahead of us and it seemed like a lifetime...
*...I remember my mother using her cell phone and calling Corinn's number....
*...I remember the sound of confusion in my mother's voice (like mine) when Cal's nurse, Michelle, answered Corinn's cell phone...
*I remember my mother's side of the conversation....
"Michelle? It's Jennifer....what's going on?? ................................................. I need you to be honest with me Michelle...is Cal gone?......................................................."
*I remember the phone dropping from my mother's hand onto the floorboard of the car...I remember my mother turning to face me in the backseat and choking out the words, "Betsy.....Cal is dead."
*I remember my mother gagging like she was going to vomit.....
*I remember my mother vomiting in my car......
*I remember her violent sobs.....
I was like stone....I couldn't remember how to move.....my throat felt tight.....my eyes burned as if they were on fire.....my head began to pound.....my vision faded for a moment.....
I picked up my cell phone and dialed my biological father's phone number in Washington DC...Cal and I shared the same father....we shared the same blood....
No answer.
I dialed my biological father's cell phone....
No answer.
I called my biological father's sister, my aunt Mary.....no answer.
I called my biological father's other sister, my aunt Dixie....
"Hello?"
"Dixie....it's Betsy..." I sobbed.
"Betsy! What's wrong?"
"I can't get a hold of my dad....Dixie...I need my dad....Cal is dead."
"What!? Oh my God.....okay, Betsy...I will get in touch with your father...."
....and I hung up.
I called Becky, my bosses wife...someone that I love and adore...someone that I trust and someone that I knew could bring me comfort.....she answered the phone and I sobbed....
...I called my best friend of seventeen years and hung up when I heard her voice message greeting...and then I texted her cell phone....
...."my brother died."
Amy immediately called me back.....when we arrived at the hospital, Amy was there to comfort me.
*I remember my husband dropping my mother and me off at the front entrance of the hospital....
*I remember holding onto my mother as we entered the hospital...confused and heartbroken...
*I remember standing on the elevator and the doors opening up to the fourth floor where Cal's room was and right there, sitting in a small conference room was my sister-in-love holding my niece, embraced in a nurse's arms....Corinn's face was swollen and red....she was speechless....and when she saw my mother and me, her silent sobs were no longer silent.
....my best friend Amy scooped up Sophia (my niece) and walked with her down the hall, away from the sadness...
...My mother and Corinn walked the opposite way and turned at the end of the hallway into my brother's room. I stood....frozen. Unaware of my surroundings. I began to feel lightheaded again, so I turned and sat in a chair. My husband walked off the elevator and pulled me into his arms and held me tightly...swaying back and forth and whispering "I'm so sorry...."
My cell phone rang and it was my biological father....
"Hello?"
"Bets? What happened?"
Unable to control my crying I replied, "I don't know."
"Well, when will you know??" my father's voice was demanding...he was angry.
"I don't know." I just shock my head....
"Call me please when you find out. Where are you? Who is the doctor?"
"I don't know. We are at the VA Hospital. I don't know."
....and I hung up.
I remember Michelle, my brother's nurse walking into the waiting room where I sat with my husband, my best friend, my niece and now several of my mother's closest friends....Michelle looked at me and said, "Your mother wants you in the room with her..."
"I can't. .......I can't see him like that. .....I don't want to see him like this....."
The nurse just stood there and waited for a few moments....taking my hand in hers she knelt before me and looking me in the eyes she calmly said, "you can do this....for your mother. Be strong for your mom...."
Unconsciously I stood up and walked with the nurse down the hallway...
....snapshots....
*Standing in the doorway of my brother's hospital room, I see my brother's lifeless body....he looks like he is sleeping, except there is a tube sticking out of him mouth.
*My sister-in-love is laying in the bed with my brother, crying and yelling the word "no"....over and over....
*My mother is holding my brother's hand and her head is buried in his chest and I see her own body convulsing with sobs....
*I enter the room and I smell bleach....sanitation....I think the smell is odd.
*I feel hot and sweaty...nauceous....my throat begins to tighten....
*I walk over to my brother's body....I reach out my hand and I touch his face. His skin is cold. Pale. His eyes are not closed all the way and I bend down to look inside his eyes....and I mouth the words "I love you."
I remember having a conversation with God in my head while standing next to my brother's body....listening to my mother's cries and my sister-in-loves plea to bring him back....
"God?......I need you right now God.....I don't understand.....I need you to help me right now......God?......I need you to tell me if he is with you......I don't know God......did you take his hand in the end?....God.....did he take your hand?.........please God........I need him to know that I love him......I love him......I love him......I love you Cal......please God.......God, help me.."
I turned and saw my pastor.....and right now, as I type out the details, I am still in awe of my pastor.....my pastor who drove thirty miles to be with my family....my pastor who had never met my brother....he didn't know my brother....but he knew me...he knew my husband and our boys....he had met my parents....and he came for all of us.....he prayed for my brother.......he prayed for all of us.......
We stayed at the hospital for a few hours....late into the night. My bosses wife had driven to the hospital with my dear friend from church, Linda and the two of them held me while I cried.....
I remember when it was time to leave the hospital I held my brother's hand and squeezed it tight.....I kissed his check and I whispered...."no matter what Cal....I love you....I have always loved you....and I'm proud of you. I'm proud of the father you were to your children....I'm proud of the abundance of love you gave to others....your mistakes did not define you Cal.....I love you, I love you, I love you...."
......these are the details I remember. This is my grievance observed.
The next few days I will repost some of my posts from the healing process as it was closer to my brother's death.
Thank you to all who have touched our lives this past year with thoughts and prayers.
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