Look Who's Talking...

(A letter to my brother, he rests in Heaven now...)

August 31, 2010

Dear Cal,

It's going on five weeks...such a short amount of time and yet it feels like forever.  The tears still flow, mostly in the night...I toss and turn.  Sometimes I try pinching myself...hopeful that I will return to reality from a horrible nightmare.

I've been spending so much time with Sophia and Henry.  I cling to the kids, praying that they know and understand how much I love them...how much I love you.  I whisper to them "your daddy loves you, so very much"...and I know someday they will know and feel your love. 

Each night, after I've said my prayers, I whisper to the Heavens, certain that you can hear me...
...I tell you that I will love your children as you loved them.  I will protect Sophia and Henry like I tried to protect you.  I will share stories about their daddy, keeping your memory alive within them. 

And I will Cal, I promise you that.

Last week I watched Sophia and Henry run around on my patio, dancing and singing and laughing.  Henry runs to the railing and looks out in the yard, pointing, he shouts "cow!"...and we laugh, because everything is a "cow!"

And as I watch Sophia, my eyes swell with tears...she's so beautiful and she's growing so quickly....

...she talks so much now Cal!  She can sing about four or five different songs and she has the melody down perfectly!  I watch her skip in circles...

"wing awound the wosie...

posies...

                           ....fall down!"

...and a tear rolls down my check...it's not fair...your favorite words when you were little...."it's not fair!"

It isn't fair, Cal.  I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt as I sit and watch your children grow into the beautiful beings that they are...

...and you are not here. 

Each night I pray to God to bring me peace.  I ask Him to give me something I can hold onto, something to know that you are okay...

...something to know that you see, that you know, that you feel our love for you.

Cal, He gave me the peace I've been asking for. 

                            Saturday night I closed my eyes and I dreamed...

...my phone was ringing and I called out for someone to answer.  The phone kept ringing...ringing more than it normally would...it rang way past it's limit of four rings, when the voicemail kicks in....
             ....so I ran towards the phone and I picked it up...

"Hello?"

....and it was you.

"Betsy....Sophie says your name perfectly now!  She doesn't say 'bb' anymore...she says 'Bethy'. She's got a little lisp, but she says it so well!"

"I know.  I love it."

"She asks for you all the time."

"I know.  It melts my heart....

     .....Cal?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I know.  I love you too."

.....and I open my eyes. 

And I whisper, "thank you God."

I love you Cal!  I watch Sophia and Henry and I see so much of you and me...

....the older, (sassy), protective sister that loves her baby brother (no matter how spoiled he is) so very much!  ;)

...and I know, you know.

Forever my love,

Me (age 6) & Cal (age 1)

...see the sassiness in my smile?  ;)

Everything I Need To Know I Learned In...

Yesterday I shared a testimony with my church...

...standing on the stage in front of the congregation I could feel myself shaking...

I felt my eyes begin to burn with tears, and I swallowed back the fight.

It's funny...ask me any day of the week to "preform" in front of others, to "speak" for large crowds, to "be in the limelight" for all to see...

but yesterday, I stood on the stage of my church...

...in God's house. 

And I trembled.

Not because I was nervous.

Not because I was scared.

...because as I stood, looking out among all the people that love me for who I am, all the people that have changed my life the past eighteen months...

...I felt God's love...and I realized...

This. Is. His. Plan.

Eighteen months ago I made a choice to follow my Savior.  A choice to make Real. Life. Change.

It was the hardest choice (still is) I've ever made, and yet it was the easiest.

I chose (choose) God.  And I choose to share with anyone who will listen how Christ has changed me...

...but not just me.  He changed my family.

God is working in my family every day, even when we don't see it or hear  it...

...He is working.

I left the stage after sharing my story and I returned to my seat.  As I listened to Pastor Mark's sermon I began to write...

What do I know now, that I didn't know then?

A question that seemed to be written on it's own, as I'm not sure what possessed me to write down the words...

But the answers seemed to flow just as fluently as I continued to write...

God is God in the good times...as well as in the bad.  God is God ALL of the time.

Prayer is about listening. Open God's word...read it and listen. Don't worry about understanding it, that will come in time.  Believe it. He will accomplish all for you... if you just believe.

Satan will try to steal you away from the Lord.

Continue to run towards God, He awaits you with open arms.

There are hearts and flowers doodled all around my words, delicate pen marks that occupy the empty space on the church bulletin that is now folded and tucked inside my Bible....

...and at the end of the page, in capital letters I wrote...

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN CHRIST'S LOVE FOR ME.

"Men of the Club" 2010...

In it's 7th year, the "Men of the Club" male pageant show was once again a success! All money raised goes to the Capital City Boys & Girls Club and this year we will present a check to the club for just under $40,000!!

Thank you to ALL who were involved in the planning and a HUGE THANK YOU to all that supported the event!!

We will see you next year for the "All Stars" event!! :)



Men of the Club 2010 from Betsy Dudenhoeffer on Vimeo.

A Letter To God...

Dear God,

I am amazed by my strength.  I am in awe of where I stand today, spiritually speaking.  I am smiling at the thought of how "changed" I have become.  Eleven years ago I lost my grandmother at the young age of sixty-four, it was breast cancer that took her from our family, and I was angry with you.  I shook my fists at the skies, I screamed my anger towards the heavens.  I stopped going to church, I was going to show you!  If only I knew then what I know now...

...You remained by my side God, even when I turned my back, You continued to love me and to embrace me. 

Now I am sitting on my patio, the sun warms my skin and I am squinting in the brilliance of the sunlight.  I am looking up to the heavens, looking for you, God, eager for you to hear my words...

"All is well with my soul, God.  I feel peace now."

I recount the past two years, Epilepsy, skin cancer, uterine tumors, hysterectomy, melanoma, an optical nerve tumor, diabetes, my step-father's illness, financial stress, countless arguments with a developing teenager, marital stress, a failed relationship with my biological father, and now my brother's death...

...it's enough, God.  It's enough to make a person flee...

...but I am here.  I am clinging to you.

God, you have my full attention!  I have weathered the storms and now I look back at the events in my life and I understand how they have played a role in where I currently stand...

...next to You, God. 

And by the way God, when I recount the past two years, I don't just recall the "storms"...I also reflect on the amazing and beautiful people You have placed in my path, the wonderful job I fell into, the awesome church and pastor that You delivered me to, the healing, the love and the most incredible of all...the forgiveness. 

"The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower." ~ Psalms 18:2

Forever Yours,

Protector...

My heart is feeling a hurt that it has never felt before...

...my body aches from sleepless nights...

My throat burns from holding back the sobs...the need to stay strong for my mother and my brother's wife and children.

Unanswered questions swirl in my head, occupying my thoughts throughout the day and into the night.

Today I indulged in conversation over a cup of coffee with a dear friend and he reminded me that I need to grieve...

...I don't have time...my first response.  I need to be strong...my second reply.

But now I sit...

...alone in a dark room, the light of my laptop screen producing a soft glow...my eyelids feel heavy and my heartbeat slows as I draw in a deep breath...

...and I cry.  Quietly at first...

...and then heavy sobs...

"I'm sorry..." the words are directed towards the heavens.  "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you." 

I realize that I labeled myself as my brother's protector...my need to "rescue" him, to watch over him, to keep him safe...the desire to protect my baby brother from the hurt I felt at the tender age of seven and Cal only two when our father walked away...never did I want my brother to feel that pain...

...and my "motherly" instincts never grew weary...they became stronger as my brother grew into a lively little boy...chasing him on the playground at Belair School, warning him to slow down, fearful he would trip and fall and scrape his knee.

...I was fourteen years old, my brother nine...our parents had gone out for an "adult only" dinner and I was left in charge...Cal had asked if we could watch a scary movie, boasting that he wasn't scared, he assured me he knew it was "fake stuff"...it was after midnight when he tiptoed into my bedroom and whispered, "Betsy, can I sleep in your bed...I'm not scared, I'm just uncomfortable..." and I lifted the covers and invited him into the safety of my flowered sheets and hand quilted covers...

...of course those "motherly" instincts turned into frustration when Cal became a teenager...the back and forth yelling, "Hang up the phone Cal!!!  Quit listening to my conversations!!!"  only to be pushed into deeper aggravation as he taunted me with "Betsy and Jason sitting in a tree...." 

When Cal's heart was broken for the first time by his first "real" girlfriend, we sat on the roof of our home and I shared the coveted "what girls really think" secrets to lessen his confusion...

When Cal's first child was growing in her mother's womb, Cal and I sat on my living room couch and I held his hand and wiped his tears, assuring him that he would be the best father in the whole world...and he was.  He was so scared, not wanting to repeat the same mistakes our father had made...he felt that his unborn child would be his greatest opportunity to prove what an incredible young man he was...I whispered how proud of him I was, how beautiful his heart was and I instilled in him the confidence that he so very much needed.

Protector...it was my role as a big sister....

...and the sadness overwhelms me as I could not protect him from an awful disease that claimed his life.

But my role as my brother's protector does not end with his death...

...it continues with his children, with his wife and with our mother.

And I wipe my tears...

...and I swallow the sadness...

...and I shut down my laptop.  And I sit in the stillness of the dark...

...and I whisper to the heavens...

"I love you forever.  Rest in peace."

Sailing...

Nine months ago my brother's best friend, Craig, passed away after a long battle with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Craig and Cal had been friends for many years, often inseparable...and when Craig left his earthly body to stand next to our Lord Jesus Christ, Cal was heartbroken...

...The past nine months had been extremely painful for my brother.  He missed his best friend terribly, he shed countless tears and struggled with the "whys" and the "I don't understands"...

Three weeks before my brother's death he was at our mother's home and Craig's father came by to pick up a piece of furniture that he had bought from our parents....

...it was the first time Cal had seen Craig's dad since Craig's funeral.  It was too much for Cal to handle, and he left.  The next day Cal went into the hospital...

...the night that my brother passed away, July 29th, nine days ago...I had a dream...

...I dreamed that our family, our parents, our sisters, our aunts, our uncles, our grandparents, my brother's children, my children, my brother's wife, our friends...we all stood along the shore of the ocean, waving...waving to my brother, who stood on the deck of the most beautiful boat...a boat so big, freshly painted, gleaming in the light of the sun...Cal was the only passenger on the boat, and he stood waving to us, blowing us kisses...

...we stood on the shore, tears streaming down our faces, waving passionately as the boat began to set sail...we were sad.

And in my dream as I stood on the shore, sobbing painful cries, waving good-bye to my brother, I looked past the boat...

...and I saw another land...beautiful white sand....crystal clear water gently washing up on the shore of this land that seemed so far away, and yet close enough for us to barely see....

...and there, on the land where the boat that carried my brother would sail to, was a young man...jumping up and down, waving his arms high in the air....full of excitement...yelling, "Yay!  Here he comes!!  He's coming, He's coming!!"....

...and as I squinted my eyes to make out who was awaiting my brother's arrival on that land I felt a sense of peace...

...it was Craig.  He was jumping for joy because he and my brother would be together again...

...once again, they become inseparable.

Into The Light...A Tribute To My Beloved Brother...

Seven days ago I lost my only brother...

...my heart has never felt such pain.

Cal was born on November 28, 1978...He was thirty-one years old.

...He was a very good natured baby from the start, with an even temperament and a quick and easy smile.  My mother has shared with me that for the first week of my brother coming home from the hospital I relentlessly asked, "when will he go back?"  :)

My greatest memory of Cal as a baby is his big ears.  The family joke was to "tip toe" around our sleeping boy, as his ears were so big it was certain he could hear a pin drop!

As a boy, Cal was involved in many community activities. He was a Cub Scout, played Little League Baseball, and enjoyed attending youth activities at our church. In high school, Cal was a triple-sport athlete, playing basketball, football, and baseball!  He was a tremendous talent when it came to any sport!

Four years apart, Cal and I shared so much together within the first two years of his life.  Our parents divorce when Cal was two and I had just turned seven created a special bond between the two of us, as I felt the need to "mother" my baby brother, knowing he had no clue as to what was going on.  Such a big, brawny baby boy, the sight of my scrawny self carrying Cal around brought laughter to those who witnessed....

...Cal and I were thick as thieves when it came to trouble...when one of us was receiving a "talking to", the other was hiding behind a piece of furniture, only to be seen by one another, giggling...which only got us into more trouble!  I can hear my mother now, "is it funny?"  Sometimes my brother would say, "a little bit." :)

When we lived in our apartment just after my parents divorce, my brother and I shared a bedroom.  One day while we were playing Barbie's (I am certain that Cal "volunteered" with great enthusiasm) Cal pulled the head off my only Ken Barbie doll!  "I will NEVER forget that you did this, and when we are old in our eighties, I will STILL remember..." and at the age of thirty-six, I still remember.

"Tickling" backs was our greatest negotiation!  Laying on the family room floor, watching "Silver Spoons" and "One Day At A Time", Cal and I would bargain "tickling" time..."I'll tickle your back for two commercials, then it's my turn." 

After high school, and attempting the college life (which neither of us did very well), Cal and I shared an apartment together.  I had just been through my divorce, a single mother of a two year old...Cal and my son Hayden began their special connection.

Of course over the years there have been arguments, jealousy, bitterness, tears...

....but the laughter, the love and the brother/sister relationship far outweigh it all!

My brother's greatest gifts are his children that he leaves behind.  Sophia, two years old and full of life!  Her white blond hair, her tall lanky body, her chicken legs and her sassy attitude...she's a "Fine" through and through.  Henry, just a year old, nicknamed "Hank the Tank", his chubby cheeks and his piercing blue eyes...I see so much of my brother in his precious face. 

Cal...as I just shared with you a few short months ago, you were an incredible father.  I am so proud of the daddy that you were.  Your babies adore you...and with your memory still very much alive, they always will.

I love you so very much Cal.  Know that I believed in you...

...life was difficult, but your smile and your humor kept you from ever giving up.  You wanted so much for your children and for Corinn, and yet a terrible illness kept you from reaching your goals. 

...Know that Mark and I will do everything we can to carry on your dreams for Sophie, Henry and Corinn.  We will continue to love them as you loved them.  We will provide for them in any way they need.  Know that they are being protected and cared for.

I am so proud of who you were Cal.  Never, ever think that I didn't love you every second you were here...

...and my love for you continues to grow, although I will now love you from afar, I know you know just how very much I love you!

Have peace dear brother...tear up the basketball courts of Heaven, catch up with your best friend Craig, and pass along hugs and kisses to Grandma and Popo...

...Wrap yourself in the love and comfort of Christ, as I know He loves you just as you were and are!