....ripped abs, strong shoulders, power beyond anything human....
It's the "masked" men that capture my heart....the "mystery" behind the gruff voice and rough whiskers from a 5 o'clock shadow.
Batman is my favorite. The Christian Bale version. I think he's totally dreamy...
However, my encounter with the "bat" today was enough to send me "flying" off the handle...
...driven a little "batty".....
It was a typical day of unemployment:
8 am - interview
9 am - back to the house, change into "grub" garments
10 am - Price Is Right, baby!
11 am - The Young & The Restless, Victor is SO over!
Noon - Leftover mac and cheese
....you get the picture...
After mopping the kitchen floor I decided to lay on my bed and watch a little Lifetime Movie Network (seriously, if you don't have this channel, call your cable provider, stat!)...
Lying on my bed on top of my cool, freshly washed sheets it suddenly occurred to me that I had not switched the laundry and I had a few delicate items in the washing machine that needed to be hung. I made my way to the laundry room, grabbed a couple of hangers and hung my silk blouse and my black skirt (my "empowered" interview wardrobe). Making my way back to my bedroom I entered my closet and flipped the light switch....
....and then I crapped my pants.
Okay, not really. But I could have.
Something caught the corner of my eye and turning my head I immediately screamed....
....not just your typical "eek!".....
No.....I screamed the "Jesus-help-me-there-is-a-mass-murderer-chasing-after-me-down-a-long-dark-and-wooded-path-and-nobody-can-hear-me" scream. The kind that makes your blood curdle....and I'm certain that I cracked a window pane.
In the corner of my closet, up on the ceiling (which by the way is a mere 12 inches from my head) was a bat!!!
No, not Christian Bale...because had it been THAT Bat, I would have thrown open my arms and sighed, "Take me!"
It was a full-blown, hairy and leathery, ANIMAL (what are bats? Are they animals or insects or just creepy monsters?) bat!
I waited for it to turn into Edward Cullen (Twilight reference). That didn't happen. Count Dracula? Sesame Streets, "The Count?" Any of those would have been greatly accepted....
It stayed a bat. And I'm not sure if it was sleeping or just eerily staring at me, plotting it's attack.....but it was so still.....
...which made it worse for me.....because I wasn't.
I was jumping up and down, scrutinizing my shoes, deciphering which pair I disliked enough to beat this bat with....here is a bit of the dialogue that was going through my head:
"Prada? No way, too expensive. Toms? No, not sturdy enough. Payless....yes, they are cheap and I can certainly buy another pair.....ooooohhhh.....they are sooooo cute.....no, I can't use these.....Flip Flops! Definitely not. Oh! I know! HOTTIE HUBBY'S SHOES!!! YES!"
I'm kidding....I didn't use hottie hubby's shoes. But I did start to.....until I saw the wooden bat in his closet.....
I walked over to the french doors in our bedroom that open up to the lower patio....I had a plan....(yes, I did realize the risk I was "opening" myself up to by walking away from the open doors. The way my life goes, I was extending the outside creature world an open invitation to my bedroom. Maybe we could all lay together and watch Lifetime Movie Network. Perhaps Dr. Doolittle would be showing....)
Don't get all uptight on me....I didn't "hit" the hairy bat with the wooden bat....I "nudged" it and spread it's wings (I swear they were 10 feet in width)
and listen closely folks.....
.....it spread it's wings and flew from one side of my closet (at record speed) to the other side....
....RIGHT SMACK INTO THE WALL! And with a THUD! it landed on my closet floor.
At this point, it was like a scary movie....dumb
Try to visualize this....
....bend over......draw in breath......use bat and get millimeters away from creature lying on floor and draw back quickly with a screech. Didn't even graze it.....bend over....try again....first drawing in breath.....s-l-o-w-l-y inching wooden bat towards motionless creature....jab still body of creature, feverishly drop bat and RUN while screaming, "IS IT ALIVE?!??!?!?!?"
I stood, frozen in the middle of my bedroom, waiting for a colony of bats to emerge from my closet (see how smart I am...."colony" is the true word to use for a group of bats...I know this because I googled it)....
Nothing.
First thought: "Now what do I do?"
Second thought: "When does the last Twilight movie come out?"
Third thought: "What should I cook for dinner tonight?"
So I did what any strong, sensible woman/mother would do...
"BOYS! I NEED YOU TO COME HELP ME FOR A MINUTE!"
Ah! I jest. But it did cross my mind.
Because the bat had not moved from its position on the floor of my closet, I assumed it was safe to approach.....with a trash bag.
Very carefully....as if I were sneaking up on someone....I tiptoed towards the bat, holding the extra large black trash bag as far away from my body as possible and in one swift motion I threw the bag over the bat!
Nothing.
Okay....this was a sign that I was free from any danger, so with the tips of my fingers, I pinched up the sides of the trash bag and in a lightning flash I bolted through the french doors (already open!) and threw the bat out into the overgrown lawn....
...and then....because I know people think I make this crap up....I grabbed my IPhone and snapped a photo.
Truly I thought I handled it with a great "bat-titude".....
