My last post was on July 27th and even then it was a "re-post" from the previous year...
...I only mention the date of my last post to make the point that my life has been somewhat "normal"...."low key" you might say....
Nothing "crazy" to report here.....
{insert sound of screeching tires...}
But all good things (or in my case, "normal" days) must come to an end...and my end was today....
Since hottie hubby began working for the National Guard full time, our health insurance has changed and with the change in coverage, there comes a change of doctors...
...Having to leave my beloved gynecologist (I've been with Dr. "B" from the beginning of womanhood) because he does not accept my new insurance, I searched out a new "down there" doctor, this one, a woman. I felt very comfortable with my decision and was actually excited to meet her (and let's be real...what woman actually gets excited for a gyno appointment??)
...Now...so that you can fully appreciate the happenings of my appointment and really "live" in my moment, I'm going to share with you every detail....it's important to me that you FULLY understand the craziness....
Knowing that my appointment was late morning, I took an extra long shower...and I know that all of you women that are reading this know exactly what I'm talking about...if we are going to be honest with one another, then let's speak it like it is....we all want to smell like crisp linen or a field of daisy's for our "down there" debut, right? Honestly...it's appointments with my gyno that I wish my vagina could chew a piece of gum...I know you wish the same.
Dressing for my day, I was certain to choose clothing that was quick and simple to slip on and off...nothing is worse than finishing up your gyno exam and the doctor leaves you to redress and he/she walks back in just as you are bending over, adjusting your breasts in your bra so they at least look like they are where they should be....
...I chose a pink cotton sundress with a lightweight black shrug and my gold slip on sandals. There was no point in styling my hair, so I pulled it back into a tight ponytail, put on my gold earrings and I was out the door...
I had a thirty minute drive to my new doctor's office...turning of the radio and using the quiet time during my commute, I carefully went over all the questions that I had in my head to ask my new doctor...health concerns that I wanted answers to..."can you check my thyroid?" "What do you make of the swelling in my left leg?" "I've been experiencing some heavy cramping, do you have a remedy?".....
Arriving at my appointment, I casually approached the front desk to check in...the receptionist was lovely, very personable and I immediately thought I would truly love my new gynecologist! I handed over my insurance card and information and filled out the typical "new patient" forms.
The waiting room was full of women, some pregnant, others like me...the "yearlies"...a few of the women were there for post pregnancy follow up, toting their new born babies, glowing like all new mommies do...
My name was called...."Elizabeth?".....I quickly inquired, "What's the last name?" and the nurse, holding a manila folder looked down at the colored tab on the folder and read, "Dudenhoeffer...."
...Nobody calls me Elizabeth (except for some family)....and I thought I remembered telling the receptionist when I called to make the appointment (and when I checked in moments before) that I go by Betsy....it should have been my first clue as to what was about to unfold.....
I was taken back into a small room that held a scale, a height chart on the wall, a computer and a chair. The nurse directed me to sit in the chair and she began to take my blood pressure. I was then asked to step onto the scale {really, this might be the worst part, agreed?} and after writing down my weight she asked me to stand against the wall and she wrote down my height.
Following the nurse down the hall, I was taken to an examination room, told to undress completely and put on the gown that was laying on the table, ties in front. She handed me a white sheet to lay over my lap and she stepped out of the room....
Quickly undressing, I laid my clothes neatly over the chair and slipped on the soft hospital gown, ties in front. I sat up on the table, laid the white sheet over my lap and patiently waited....
....I could feel my blood pressure begin to rise as I anticipated what was about to happen....I HATE these appointments....and the silly thoughts began to circle in my head...
...."Did I use enough deodorant?" "It's cold in here....great, now I have goosebumps and she's going to think I didn't shave my legs.." "I should have eaten something, my stomach is growling...how embarrassing!" "I hope I don't have gas...." {come on, I KNOW you think it too}
In walks my new gynecologist...my heart began to beat faster....ugh, I HATE these appointments....I smiled through gritted teeth...."Hello." She greeted me with a beautiful smile...I must admit, she made an awesome first impression....she was very personable...almost like she had known me already....
After answering a few medical history questions, I did think it was odd that my hysterectomy from two years ago was never mentioned....didn't she need to know why at the young age of thirty-five I had my uterus yanked out?? Wouldn't the fact that I no longer have a period but I still have cramping be important for her to know???
Helping me to lay back on the table, I thought it was a bit odd that she didn't begin with a breast examination....every other yearly appointment I had ever had began with the old "feel up"....but this doctor went straight to the down under....
.....hmmmmmm.......I noticed there was no "instrument" in my examination...and she was pressing quite firmly on my belly.....odd.....
.....she snapped off her gloves and very calmly said, "I will be right back Elizabeth...."
All I could hear was the ticking of the second hand on the clock that hung above the door of the sterile room that I was waiting in....
Moments later the doctor returned, "Elizabeth, I am going to have you walk down to the ultrasound room at the end of the hallway and I want to do a quick ultrasound, okay?"
.....ummmmmmmmmm.......o-kaay......what in the world is going on??? OMG, do I have a tumor??? I knew it! I have a tumor.....I'm going to die.....she obviously feels something abnormal and I'm dying.....I knew it!
I followed the doctor down to the ultrasound room and I was left with the technician in a dimly lit, small cubicle with a large ultrasound machine and an examination table....
...the technician was extra sweet..."Okay sweetheart, you just relax and I'm going to put some of this gel on your belly and we will get started, okay?" ....."yep".....
Using the ultrasound instrument, she pressed vigorously on my belly, prodding and poking to the point that I thought she might just go right through my intestines and hit the table underneath me....it hurt to say the least....it was as if she was looking for something and couldn't find it.....
With a concerned look on her face, the technician placed the instrument in it's proper place and stood, walking to the door she turned to face me and in a sugary sweet voice she explained, "Elizabeth, I'm going to go get the doctor and she will want to speak with you, you just relax honey...."
OMG....this was it.....my brand new gynecologist, who I was meeting for the very first time was about to walk in and have the horrifying job of relaying to me that I was dying from some humongous tumor that was overtaking my body and I only had a few hours to live.....
The door opened.....in walked the new doctor.....holding my manila folder of all my down under history she looked at me and opened her mouth.......here it comes.......and I braced myself.....
"Elizabeth......"
....choking back tears....."Yes???"
"What is your date of birth?"
....OMG......she feels terrible that I'm only thirty-seven and I'm dying.....she wants to know my birthday so she can tell me if I'll at least live to see thirty-eight.....
...my voice cracked...."4 - 6 - of '74"
........silence.......
"I'll be right back..." and with that, she turned and went out the door....
.....I couldn't believe it....she didn't have the heart to tell me herself....she had to get backup....I mean really, what a horrible thing to have to do by yourself....I completely understood...
The door opened again and the doctor entered once again....alone.....{tough broad}...
....there was a smile on her face....{really, she was going to try the "let's find the good in this" method???}....
"Elizabeth, you won't believe this....but there are TWO Elizabeth Dudenhoeffer's that are patients here...the other Elizabeth is pregnant...and my nurse accidentally pulled her chart....so now that I have the correct chart, YOUR chart...we can go back to the examination room and preform your yearly check up!"
EXCUSEX-MOI????? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY????
So.....AFTER ALL OF THAT.....I STILL had to have the yearly examination......
....and I didn't even BEGIN to ask how far along the other Elizabeth is in her pregnancy....
because I'm frightened of what the answer would be....
Seriously.....who else does that happen to??????
And just for the record.....I am NOT having a baby.....that factory was shut down a couple of years ago!
