...I know that I am NOT alone in this...I am NOT oblivious to the obvious...I am NOT an idiot...
(at least that is what I am telling myself...)
I began my day yesterday with a dental appointment. I think all of you would agree that beginning the day at the dentist office is not the best way to begin a day, right? To add, I was having four (1, 2, 3, 4) cavities filled. *As a side note I would like to say that I am thirty-seven years old and I have NEVER, EVER had a cavity. Then last week I visit my dentist for an annual check up, and BAM! I have FOUR cavities.
Having four cavities filled (actually it's more like drilled, scrapped, poked, prodded, pinched, polished) required a "numbing" medication to be administered to the left side of both my bottom and top jaw. My lips felt fat, hot and tingly (at least the left half of my lips) and when I tried to talk, I sounded like a stroke victim. The entire left side of my face was numb...I couldn't feel a thing, and when I got into my car and looked in the overhead mirror, my left cheek was sagging...not only did I sound like a stroke victim, I looked like one too!
....I'm sharing with you about the dentist appointment because I need you to fully understand and vividly picture what I looked like, what I sounded like...what I felt like. And because I think (if you will agree) that I can somehow blame the numbing medication for the stupidity that I was about to display...
I left the dentist office and drove to my next doctor appointment, not really with a doctor at all, but an appointment for a mammogram. Doesn't my day just really stink so far?? I know, right!?!
...I was running a little late for my mammogram appointment so I was feeling flustered on top of feeling foolish with the left side of my face hanging, hot and tingly. I checked in with the receptionist, who gave me a clipboard and pen, asking me to fill out a "personal information" form. I sat in the cool leather chair, placed my Vera Bradly bag beside me and began to write...
"Ellyn Dudenhoeffer?" the mammogram technician called my name...
I stood, grabbed my bag and handing the clipboard over to the technician I followed her into the back room. I was guided to a dressing "stall" and the technician set out two wet wipes to wipe any and all lotion and deodorant from under my arms and around my breasts. She pointed to a pink (the official color for breast cancer awareness) hospital robe and said, (pay attention here) "Remove everything, opening goes in the front..."
Did you get that? Let me repeat what she said... "Remove everything, opening goes in the front..."
She left the stall and I began to undress....shirt, camisole, bra....dress pants, underwear (this is TRULY a miracle that I wore panties...I typically don't, but when I have doctor's appointments, I DO wear panties...because you never know....you just NEVER know).
...there I stood, naked as a jaybird...I grabbed the wet wipes, wiped the lotion and deodorant from under my arms and around my breasts and I slipped the pink hospital robe on, opening in front...
.....except the pink hospital robe wasn't a robe....it was a "top"....a sort of hospital gown that just stopped at the waist.
Well this can't be right....I was completely naked and the "robe" only covered my ta-ta's and some of my stomach...so I thought what ALL of you would have thought....she probably meant to say, "take off everything EXCEPT your panties" ....so I slipped my panties back on.
There I stood, underneath the fluorescent lighting, inside a 3 x 3 stall, freezing, wearing a pink "half" robe, opening in front, and panties.
Deep breath.
I exited the stall and walked into the dimly lit room where a large machine, undoubtedly invented by a man, stood.....waiting to poke, prod and SQUEEEEEEZE my breasts between two four inch plates of glass. I stood in silence as I waited for the technician to join me....
"Excuse me, mam?"
...I jumped a bit, started from the break in silence.
A man's voice.
I turned....and there stood a young man in a pair of dark green scrubs.
"Yes?" I responded
"Um, you can leave your pants and lower garments on..."
I looked down at my bare legs, purple and showcasing goosebumps from the cold air that was circulating...
...I didn't even bother to look back up....I was completely horrified. Of course....OF COURSE I can leave my lower garments on....because this is a mammogram....a test for your ta-ta's....this appointment has NOTHING to do with my lower region.....how. could. I. be. so. stupid?
I quietly slipped back into my stall and replaced my pants and shoes and then slipped back into the dimly lit room just in time to meet the technician who smiled at me and said, "okay, let's get started..."
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